Sometimes you hear what people tell you of a certain someone. And thats totally different from the impression you have of him/her. And sometimes, it’s always easy to fall into the perception of what people say, whether its true or false.

You’ve been my friend for so many years. We’ve shared so much fun and suffering together. I’m going to stick to what I know of you <3 No matter what people say, you will always be the great person I know you are. Love you always!

I’ve been giving so much thoughts about my further studies. Part of me wants to go overseas. But another part of me is scared sh**less. Somehow, the very thought of learning what I love from the ‘experts’ just makes me so terribly excited. Can this passion overcome all fear that I have?

Then another thing- are the universities I’m interested in willing to accept me?   :S The hard truth…

Anyways, tomorrow is our film’s rough cut screening. Wonder what will the lecturers say? I heard my friends who had their screening earlier have been coming out with the ‘Oh God!!!’ face. I wonder what kind of news will we be getting tomorrow. However, be it good or bad news, I just hope they’re constructive news. Never, is never an option. If there’s time and trust, we can all do whatever it takes to make our film a better film. I know I’ve put my heart into it. I know my teammates have, too. But tomorrow, we shall decide the very next step. Wish us luck and wisdom, as they call it.

One more thing: I’ve come to realise that little wishes can sometimes get the better of you. It’s always good to have dreams and fantasies- I have them every single day- but when it’s time to accept fact, you sometimes just got to. Whether you like it or not. Cause accepting the truth can minimise so much heartbreak and pain. Accepting the truth can spare one from being tied down and wasting so much unnecessary energy and time. Oh yes, accepting the truth can help one move on. Cause time doesn’t linger around you.

As they say: Once bitten, twice shy. Twice bitten, forever shy. (Or something like that.) How true, and the realisation of truth on the early stage can spare me from bitten the THIRD time. Oh, trust me, you wouldn’t like being bitten 3x on the very same spot. Hurts like hell, I tell you…

Truth is like a slap in the face. But this slap saves you from a cut on the heart </3

Goodnight, goodnight. Off to my dreams, I go. But when I wake up, its all back to a fantasy-reality world all over again.

Crossroad of my life

I’ve spent more than 2 1/2 years in Poly. In about 2 months time, I’m going to leave school. I’m going to face the world. I’m going to make decisions.

I’m scared.

Honestly, I don’t know where to go. I know I like to make films. I know what I like in film making. But what am I going to do when I graduate? Should I get a job first before studying? Can I survive the industry? Or should I study in some local U? But I don’t quite like the courses they offer… Maybe I should go overseas to study? But am I ready for these? So many question marks. So many questions unanswered. So much doubts.

There’s a 4 year course here in Sg. But the first year is spent doing drawing and 2D, 3D animination. Great. That’s probably my favourite module of them all. Then there’s this really good producing university here too, Chapman University- but producing is something that is just not me. Paperwork!?!??!!? I don’t mean storyboards, shotlists and all. But budgeting, scheduling, marketing!!!!! Honestly- I can do those, but I’m not going to like it. I like cinematography. I love to learn this skill

And looking through my life, (well, yeah, I may be young, or so to speak) but cinematography is something I have the greatest interest in. It excites me whenever people talk about it. My heart rate literally pump 100% faster. Ok, I’m exaggerating, but I’m not lying. Hahaha…

I went to search some good cinematography universities. University of Southern California seemed the best so far. If being able to be accepted isn’t a problem, I’ll shoot (in a cannon bomb or something) there now. Oh wait. One more thing. Am I prepared for these?

Studying overseas meant living independently on your own. Making new friends all over again. Facing troubles without the physical support from family and friends. Learning from mistakes and standing up by yourself. And there’s so many uncertainties. Can I adapt to the total different living conditions? Can I communicate with people of different cultures and backgrounds? Can I handle all these huge changes by myself? So much fear. So much in the unknown.

Then I remember a quote I read from somewhere: Life’s too short to be afraid. Maybe that makes most sense to me now.

And then I thought to myself. If cinematography and film production is something I love so much, should I not be prepared to face all the world’s troubles to be more in touch with it? I don’t mean sacrificing family and friends. I don’t mean giving up my life for it. I meant being brave, being independent and being determined. Being ready to face the problems and challenges. All the difficulties and fears.

Easy to say. Hard to accept.

I see myself doing much more thinking about it. Wish me luck, wisdom and lots of guts.

May I make the right decision.

P.S. Let my life revolve around you.

Reflection off the ND in the mattbox

Part of the set design <3

Flags on the field

Dearest SRII

My t-shirt reflection off the mattbox

Treated like a dear

Cool eh!

Dolly tracks on an open drain

Argh! ~~~

Apple box made cute

I’d love to upload more photos of the production crew. Hopefully I get the time to do so.

When people start comparing lives, you somehow seem to come to a conclusion that life sucks. Then you start to find ways to cheer yourself up, and you think of the less fortunate. As I read Anne Frank’s diary, she mentioned ‘how can people be happier and more satisfied with their lives when they know that there are people out there suffering?’ How true is that…

Like they say, life is tough, but misery is an option. We all agree life is tough. When have life ever been a bed of roses? No, never. Everyday you face with more difficulties and even sadness. Oh, I can vouch for that. But I was in the toilet the other day and it dawned upon me that we all have to live life, lets make it merry. It ain’t easy, but I believe it’s possible.

So many shit has happened to me, i feel ‘depressed’ every other day. There doesn’t seem to be a day where I can lie on bed with so much happiness that dreams seemed boring. There doesn’t seem to be a day when I feel so happy I can fly. And there doesn’t seem to be a day when I think I’m the world’s luckiest person ever. But somehow, it seems to be that I have to be happy. Just for my sake.

Anyway, we’ve been through 2 weeks of shoot for our final year project. Filming has been fun, there were lots of laughter and excitement. But that doesn’t mean there weren’t moments of anger, stress and disappointment. Just like life, we’ll all go through it. But I really want to thank all that has helped us. A big thank you, it couldn’t have happened without you all (cheesy, but true…)

The dailies have been out. We’ve run through a few session of DI, so the look of the film is roughly there.

If there’s one greatest fear, I’m afraid to disappoint. I cant seem to gauge for myself how well or not did the footage turn out. I just hope that all these years of hard work, passion (as they call it), determination did not come to a waste. I hope that all the hope you guys placed on me has not turned to disappointment.

Like I said, my greatest fear is to disappoint Oh, I’m scared to turn blind too, but that’s beside the point…

P.S. I wish for days when I feel so happy I can fly. Oh, let it be…

LOL. Enough of the insults. I’ve had enough. I dont know what you’ve said, but I know you’ve said them all. Whatever that is. Now, stop insulting the people I love and support. We might not be perfect, we might have shortcomings and we might NOT BELONG TO YOU, but STFU, bitch. Whatever you’re saying of us, I feel insulted. But you know what, I dont care, because I DONT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU. It just made me hate you more and more, and I curse you. I know its wrong to curse, I dont freely give curses. But this 6 months is alot of my life and I dont want it to be insulted by you. So scram.

One thing I’m glad, we’ve made the right choice some 6 months ago. I’m glad with who we have and I’m glad its not f****** YOU. If this is too obvious about what I’m saying here, I dont care. Everyone hates you, not just me (us). Oh god, walk around where you work and ask who gives a damn about you. Go back to **, where you belong. Oh god, you’re polluting my country.

I’m going to find out what you’ve said, and I’m going to tell the whole world. LOL. I’ve had enough, it’s time to stop.

Scram. Hateing you. Hahaha!! Oh, the bad things you’ve done. I’ll find them out and expose them all. Beware, be very scared…

P.S. Not going to think about it, I’ll live my life for now.

While Ying, Van, Ziddo and Adrian are off watching this horror film that I just can’t bear to watch (I’m not a big fan of horror, plus I’m down with a flu ), I thought I’ll just write on by far the scariest book I’ve ever read.

The Diary of Anne Frank. Please don’t laugh. It’s true.

Its the second time I’m reading this book, first being some 7 years ago. The first time I read it, all I remember was feeling happy and sad for Anne Frank. Oh, and I admired her terrific way of expressing herself.

But 7 years is a long time for maturity. In 7 years, I’ve learnt so much more about life that reading the book now has such a great, different impact on me.

In every page that Anne Frank shares about her life, I can safely say I’ve gone through it more or less. Maybe the only part is being in hiding. But I’m so engrossed in the book that sometimes at night, I find myself imagining being in hiding. I only wanted to feel what she felt.

I can feel for her in almost every account that she writes off. Her uncertainties, her dreams, her relationship (friends and family) problems… How people always sees her as a noisy bugger, how she wants to prove herself right, how she wants to be different from other women… The dreams and hopes for the future- it seems so bright one moment, then uncertainties starts pouring down that life seems all bleak now…

It seems as if Anne Frank was another voice, speaking whats embeded deeply in me.

But what seems so scary to me was that in every update I read in her diary, is every day earlier to her death. I know she’s passed on decades ago. But what I read her diary, it seems as though she’s talking to me. It felt so personal.

When she’s happy, I feel so happy for her. When she was scared, I felt fear  for her too- as well as myself, I don’t even know why. When she was angry, I wonder why she had to go through all these. Oh yes, and when she was so scared for the future, I so much wanted to tell her: Don’t worry, I know what’s going to happen to you, but you’ll be brave. Rest well, dear…

I’ve 2 more ‘articles’ left before I’ll finish the book. But I’m scared. I’m afraid to read on. Cause I know whats going to happen. I’m scared to see the words: Anne Frank’s diary ends here. Oh no, I fear those words. I’m movng on to another book.

But I want to finish it. I want to give an end to it. Please give me the courage to read it. It might not seem as simple as it is. Its not simply reading. It’s letting go.

Don’t laugh at me. I know I can be emotional and sentimental at times, but I’m not exaggerating here. I’ll probably finish the book- maybe sometime later this week.

But for now, I’m leving it as it is. Tell me why I’m scared.

Wish me courage.

P.S. ADEE I love you. Dont be sad, you’ll pull through. If you happen to see this, just know I’ll be here for you. <3

P.S.S. I’m still hatin’ you. Dont ever do these to my friends.

P.S.S.S. We’re shooting in a week’s time. Time to do our best. 3 years, 1 last film. It’s do or die.

P.S.S.S.S. (Sorry :S ) I don’t dare try anymore. Twice bitten, forever hurt. Goodbye dreams. Welcome reality. I need a break.

Some of you might know how much I love to play Farmville game in Facebook. Haha! Farming gives me much pleasure… LOL. But these few days, I’ve been playing with Happy Aquarium. At first, I thought I kind of liked the game. But then I realised the true reason I continued to play it despite my crazy workload and shooting these days…

It reminded me of my Mother and Sis. They were the ones who introduced it to me. My memories of Happy Aquarium were the days when we crowd round the main computer and look at each other’s fish tank. Then we’ll see my sis train her fishes and mother collecting money (trust me, she’s really good at collecting money. Haha!) I remember once when my cousin found a turtle, we all rushed to the computer to get the turtle. I don’t know why. It was just a virtual turtle. But we all had so much fun. And we’ll have our little ‘Happy Aquarium talks’, and my Dad will be siting at the sofa wondering what the hell were we talking about. The best part of the day was when I saw them sending me little gifts. Its not what they give me that matters (though I’d loveee fish food. Haha!), but the fact that they remember me when playing the game makes me swell in love. <3

I guess we haven’t been spending much time together. My Mom’s having her last month in Kodak, my sis’s going for her A level soon, I’m in the midst of my final year project of continuous shooting. This little 15 minutes of playing Happy Aquarium gives us little pleasures in life of spending time with the family and simple excitement of leveling up. The little bit of time we have together makes us enjoy each others company. Words probably cant describe the innocent fun we have together… I’m loving them so much.

So this game doesnt give me pure, fantasy fun. It brings me memories and reminds me of the family I have at home, despite the work I have in school. It makes me remember. Treasure the little time we had together.

That day when I went home, my Dad was said jokingly “Oi, who are you? I can’t even recognise you anymore.” It made me so sad :’(

There was this day, too, when I was at this cloth shop. I saw a cloth that my grandma’s clothes used to be made of. I suddenly realised how little have I seen her these days- my grandfather too. I realised how much I love them. We’ll talk soon, just remember, I love you all, my family <3

My mom’s aquarium:

My sis’s:

Mine:

But I’ll pull thru. We’re all going thru the same thing.

There’s nothing more than having a family that understands.

Friends, I might be a little more short tempered these days, I apologise..

I guess this world kind of lack some love, some sacrifice and some understanding. We all want the best for ourselves, but sometimes we got to put ourselves in the shoes of others, walk around in them a little, before you really understand how they feel.

I don’t believe in the saying “it’s a dog eat dog world”. Maybe I haven’t really seen the world, or so to speak. But there’s always good in everyone. If you’re good to others, they will, too, be good to you. Not that you have to expect that. It’s supposed to come naturally, out of sincere gratitude. But sometimes, when you’re so bloody good people starts ignoring certain facts and ‘gifts’, then I think there’s some problem somewhere. Be it the person itself, or envriomental stress. Whatever that means.

We’ve talked about it. We can help so much, and if they’ve done a good product, (I’ll be so bloody happy for them, I swear), no one’s going to give a f*** who’s the ‘driver’ or the ‘AD’ or the ‘PA’ or the ‘grip’ is. But if we can make a ‘decent’ project ourselves, we suffer. No one else bloody will.

I’m not saying we cant help. Oh no, don’t get me wrong. We have to, we really love to. Well, at least I do. There’s nothing better (well, maybe there is, but…) then to be helping a friend. But I guess friends need to understand and help US even.

I’m not being selfish. I’m not being angry. I’m just hoping for some understanding. Thanks Van Adee and fat for understanding. Van, I promise I’ll be on set when I can. Promise, babe <3

My dear IBP, I’m so bloody proud of you all for being so nice. If what they say is true, what we do unto others will be what others do unto us. Lets hope it works out well for us. All we need is some time and lots of effort.

And you, f*****, I’m still so pissed at you. LOL! Go lose some bloody weight before you throw ur weight on us. I hated what you said, I still feel the pain and insult. But f-you, I’m going to prove you wrong, bugger. Burn in hell.

P.S. Words hurt more than nail in foot does, Amen.

Oh gosh! We have so much to do!!!! Minus 1 week of crewing (tentatively) , we have 1 full week left for the final shoot :S

Btw, Fat!! I love you!!!! You got to be strong ok girl!! <3 You can do it!!!! (I dont know how to say this face to face…. )

Ok,  I just felt like ranting. Back to story board-ing…

And there’s so much on my mind. But one step at a time, Pam, one step at a time. Glad you guys are here to help <3 But dear friends, if I cant meet up often these days, do forgive

Wish me best. And my group. <3

And all IBP. I love you all.

P.S. Like I said, I’m scared to try again. Try might be a wrong word. Maybe “think”. Lol! Oh wells. I’m kind of glad I’ve learnt some sort of lessons. I’m getting my steps right, I think. Hah. Cause I dont want to even think.

It’s 3 more weeks till our final year shoot. 3 WEEKS!!!!!

Kind of nervous actually… We’ve been spending much time these days getting our shot list right, making sure the line script is well ‘lined’, settling on the angles and composition for the storyboard, buying/renting props, coming up with a lighting style, costumes…….. so much, so much. Oh! Location recee and technical recee! (We are, in fact going for one tomorrow.. Hopefully the price is right )

It’s a long process. It gets pretty tiring at times. Looking over the same shot list over and over again… Playing around with photoshop every day to get the ‘right’ visuals, or rather, the visuals I want to achieve…

And then comes storyboard. Bleh! I just can’t draw.. Haha! Ying says she can help, but she has tons of other work too… Lol! Media Law, my friends…

But dont get me wrong. I’m looking forward to the shoot. The last one we’re going to do- and the best. Its just pretty nervous.. Everyday of the shoot is a whole new set of problems.. And its a solve or die situation. Ok, I’m a bit exaggerating, but you get my point…

It’s exciting. We’ll just got to be as ready as we ever were. Problems? Bring it on, we’ll solve it

P.S. Oh gosh, it’s that feeling again. But I’m way too scared to try. Many things usually don’t turn out well… Sighs. (Nothing to do with shoot.)

 ”I make a film as if I have a disease, suffering hot & cold sweats on an hourly basis, hovering constantly between ecstasy & anguish, lucidity & confusion. Everything is done in a kind of fever. Once the film is over, I fool myself into thinking I’m cured.” -Federico Fellini

 

Nice.

Talking to you was fun…