Ups and Downs

In the past, when people say that emotions can be like a roller coaster ride- it goes up and down in a matter of minutes- I didn’t really understand it.

But well, I guess now I do. Although I’d rather not it be this way. For the past 2 weeks, my emotions has been riding the roller coaster ride of my life. Seriously, I can be kind of happy, then something done or something said (I can’t say what), make me down again. And when I meant down, I meant being down for hours. Happiness is only a matter of minutes. Sigh. But then it’s still a facade of being happy, right? Or least I try to do so.

If only I don’t think so much about that stuff. If only I could not think about that, and perhaps if only I was made to be some other way than I am right now, then at least this thing wont be bothering me. And perhaps if only my life was not this way, and a series of events did not lead to this eventual incident, or rather, trouble. But well, if life was full of “if only’s”, then nothing will ever be accomplished.

This mighty THING has been in my head for too long already, it’s beginning to control my emotions and my actions. It has got to go, but I can’t let it go. Maybe because I can’t bear to. Yeah, I think I can’t bear too. Sigh.

Pardon me for these, but I guess it’s not just the best time of my life. Hopefully all these will end soon, any the rainbows appear! haha

Anyway, my sister is away in Thailand and will be coming home next Friday. We aren’t the lovely dovely kind of siblings, but I do live her a lot, and I cant wait to see her!

I guess I’m still waiting for you, though.


Life’s Cycle is a Round-about

It’s almost 1:30 am, and I’m sitting in front of my computer, tired. I really feel like sleeping, but somehow, I can’t. Usually at this time, I will still be wide awake- the night is still young! (or it used to be)

This week has been a tiring week. Or should I say, the past 2 weeks has been dreadful. This week was just worst, so to speak. We have to choose our groupings for the final year project. Sounds like a simple task, but I can say, it’s not. People have been trying to make tough decisions, and friends has been experimenting on politics. The latter, sucks.

It all boils down to making decision. Making decisions on our lifes, the paths we want to take, and what we hold dear to us- personality or personal desire.

In this past 2 weeks, I have seen my classmates in a light I have never seen them before. Not all- most. Some have made me respect them and love them so much more, while the others, well, lets just say I was disappointed.

I have now given so much respect to some of my classmates that I don’t know how to thank them more for what they have done, and I know I can never repay them. It’s just this sense of gratitude, and honestly speaking, guilt and regret. What irony, I know, but it is as confusing as it gets.

Some classmates have given us a not-so-good impression, but, from the bottom of my heart, I have absolutely no rights to be angry. No rights at all, and I say that with a heavy and ashamed heart. Who NEVER makes mistakes? Even Osama’s birth was a mistake all together. After all, some of us have lead to situation we all are in now, and I feel bad. I feel guilty, I want out. I really don’t know what to do with the situation- help needed. I’m confused, tired, frustrated, sorry, if these cant explain it all, I’m S.A.D. Get it? Sad? I wished all these never happened in the first place, I wished things were not so complicating.

What can I do? Help. I tried to change the situation, but to no avail. I desperately, with some friends, wanted to. It’s this feeling of helplessness, guilt, and stupidity mixed in me now.

If only someone could tell me what to do. A definite, fixed, and 100% correct answer. I need this advice so desperately now, but deep inside, I know that only I can make that decision. Friends can’t help- no. Family can’t either. But any littlest bit of support will be greatly appreciated.

Speaking about support. When in poly, facing this stupid, retarded, situation, I must really give my Secondary friends the utmost thanks. If not for their support, and listening to me bull-s***, I would not have known what to do. Sometimes, it is at situation like this that perhaps we know how to appreciate friends more. And love them.

Is it too late to turn back time? A friend, who is now facing terrible times in poly, recently told me that she wants to go back to Secondary school. I want to go back to the good old times too. Things were simpler. We were happier, not that I’m not happy now- school’s cool, I love it here, I love my classes, I love my friends. But, things WERE simpler, I repeat.

Well, at least, we didn’t have to play politics and ‘hatred’ among friends. Not that life didn’t suck back then. There were unhappy times, there were angry times, and there were times when I wished I got out of Sec school, quick. Even in Primary school, there were problems. Even in kindergarten, there were troubles- but not quite as much. That’s why I say, life’s cycle is a round-about. The moment we are out in the world, we feel pain and uncomfort- if not, why did we cry the moment we came out? It was meant to suck.

If there is anything that can bring me back to the good-old-times, I’d be jolly to get back. Someone, quick, invent the time machine.

Alright- back to reality. On Monday, my fate will more or less be ‘sealed’. Final decisions will be made, things will be different. I really wish for the best for my friends. I love them, I truly do. It pains me to see them disappointed and stressed. If there’s anything I could do.

Not one us is to be blamed for this… s***. Not one. If there’s anything at all, it’s how things round up, how little decisions decide fate.

People who at least have a heart would feel bad- people who went thought the situation I meant. But I don’t know, is all this that is happening life itself? Can I blame life? I really don’t know.

I don’t even know what actually happened in the first place.

But anyway, I’m still waiting for you.

Whoever you are.

It’s late now, and humans must sleep.

Stressed humans, that is.

Life Changes With Decisions Made

Lets be honest here. Life is full of decision making, whether big or small. And every one we make ultimately affects us, and the people around us, whether we like it or not. It’s not fun, it ain’t cool, but we have to face it, and we have to live with it.

Right now, I know what I want. But the decision I have to make to get what I want, will affect what I will eventually have. My future, literally, will be ‘decided’ by the decisions and choices I make. And if I take one wrong step, I’ll probably live with the regret for the rest of my life, and I am not exaggerating.

Sometimes, it gets frustrating when I face, or should I say slapped, with these problems of making life decisions, when I thought it was going to be easy- easier. Minus the politics, minus the abilities, minus the parameters drawn, and minus the many different opinions from the many different people, and things might be better for us all.

But then again, who says life is a bed or roses? It is never easy, it was never meant to be.

I’m sorry if I just wasted 2 minutes of your life reading this messy post, but this is the state of my mind now.  My thoughts are everywhere, and decisions I can make are being swayed around. This is going to make me look very indecisive, but sometimes, things have to be given second thoughts so that I won’t make the one wrong step I might just make anytime now.

Whatever has to happen lies on a decision now.

May the clouds clear for the sun.