I Miss You

I keep checking the dates on the calander. Like as if by checking the time, days will pass quicker, time will fly faster, and moments will move along easier. I wish… But if only that’s the case. There’s so much I look forward to, and so many things I dread. I’m glad certain parts of school is under the ‘looking forward’ ones, cause that’s what is probably keeping me busy for now. Which, I’m thankful for.

Went to Chinatown alone yesterday to take some photos. I guess I’ve got to go there more often to know the place and ’embrace’ in the culture there. There might be pretty much stuff to take, except that I was spending more time finding my way around. Well, guess there is going to be another trip there soon, and maybe to Little India. We’ll see. Then went to Punggol End with my mom to photograph the sunset. It’s my first time there, so the nature I see there is kind of different. There was this escapism feel to it. Things we don’t get to see in beaches around the country.

And this morning, woke up at 5 plus 6am and headed to Punggol End with my mom again (she offered to send me there, so sweet ❤ ).  I was kind of reluctant at first, it being in the DAWN. Haha! But I guess will power can do much more against the physical strength of the body. Sometimes, it’s more in the mind, than in the body. Inner strength sure pose a threat to the outer body.. But anyways, we managed to catch the sunrise.

Oh gosh, it was splendid. I saw the sun rising like a york emerging from the horizon. It was a new day, a new beginning, and I’m glad I witnessed it. It felt so real, like life is presented right infront of me- days are not merely passing memories, but truths. Stories to be told, experiences to be shared. Life can be beautiful. As the sun is. Light is probably everything in this world- at least in the sense when a photograph has to be taken…

I was engrossed in taking photos that everything else in my mind seemed to go away for awhile. It was a good feeling- one beer can’t replace. Kidding. But it seemed like all my energy was focused on the viewfinder of my camera and the surroundings. Troubles, fustrations, problems seemed to be hibernating for a while. I never thought of it at all- ok once. But it was good to let go for a while, to focus on something I enjoy and believe in. Let my mind free from these issues and enjoy the moment as it is presented. Ah, that was good. Life should be like that, huh. Hmm…

Anyway, here’s a new band I like. Moldy Peaches. And here is a song that is superly great! Such a sweet and real song 🙂 Enjoy:

Nothing Came Out

Just because I don’t say anything,
Doesn’t mean I don’t like you.
I open my mouth and I try and i try
But no words came out.

Without 40 oz. of social skills
I’m just an ass in the crack of humanity.
I’m just a huge manitee.
A huge manitee.

And besides you’re probably holding hands
With some skinny, pretty girl that likes to
Talk about bands and
All I wana do is ride bikes with you
And stay up late and watch cartoons.

Duck Tales, shirt tails, Talespin, Sailor Moon, GI Joe, Robotech, Ron Jeremy, Schmoo.

I wanna watch cartons with you.
Josie and the Pussycats and Scooby Do,
I want you to watch cartoons with me.
He-man, Voltron and Hong-Kong-Fui

I tried to ask you to your face
But no words came out.
I put on my hood and walked away,
That doosn’t mean I don’t like you.

And besides your probably holding hands
With some skinny, pretty girl that likes to
Talk about bands and
All I wanna do is ride bikes with you,
And stay up late and maybe spoon.

Just becase I dont say anything
Doesn’t mean I dont like you.
No…
I opened my mouth and i tried and i tried.

And besides you’re probably holding hands
With some skiny, pretty girl that likes to
Talk about bands and
All I wanna do is ride bikes with you.
And stay up late and watch cartoons.

I’m just your average Thundercats ho.

————————————————————————————————————————————————

Songs, movies, poems, photographs sometimes tell true feeling than anything else in the world. I can see a photo and be reminded of millions of things, and emotions build up. I can listen to songs and feel that my entire life (as it is) is written in the song and explained in the lyrics. I can watch a movie and feel like I’ve lived in the character’s shoes, and sometimes feel so trapped in it that I don’t want to get out. I can read poems and understand how simple formation of words can give meaning so deep and true. Wisdom in the form of arts. Art in the form of wisdom.

P.S. I miss you, baby.

What Drives You?

Perhaps the moment of the day when we are most honest to ourselves is in the morning, when the new day just welcomed us to it’s existance. Or should I say scorned us with it’s presence. Hah. The entire night of sleep have perhaps made me recall what I hold dear to me, and make me aware that things that I told myself I don’t believe in anymore, is, in fact, something I hold on to so dearly that I spend not just the day but the night thinking, meditating. I wake up, and the very first thing is: Oh, so this is what I treasure, what I depend so much on, contrary to what I told myself and forced myself to believe. It gets tiring, it gets boring, but it gets me knowing what life is. If thats what we define life as.

Without (fill in blank) I’m just breathing, but my heart ain’t beating.

Perhaps NUMB is the best for now.

Distractions are sometimes good. Classes, modules. I’m enjoying them. Its exciting, honestly. Ive got so much to look forward to. It’s perhaps got to do with learning what I enjoy, what I like to learn, and what I believe in. Looking forward to classes, esp Tuesdays’ Cineto. Its amazing how each individuals have their own likings. Seeing my classmates enjoy their electives made me happy too. It’s like we are finally doing what our passion is. Cool shit.

Anyways, I had a great Friday evening with the classmates, and later on Shu Ying Van. A pity Qing couldnt make it, or it’ll be fun! Looking forward to the fun again! HAHA!

Looks like life isnt only focused on a particualr one-thing. Perhaps there is indeed much to look forward too. For now, I think I know what I want. Hmmm… Wish me luck, that that is right.

P.S. Pratical Cinematography by Paul Wheeler is a great book. I’ve learnt so much from it. Next up is more pratice, experiences. Love is there already.

P.S.S I hope I’m guessing right. I hope it’s alright.

I Just Want To Feel

Just a short post, before I can finally sleep..

I’ve been having dreams, 3 so far, in fact. Literally. Dreams of what I hoped reality could have been… Ah damn, how stupid. Dreams that, well, will probably not come true anymore. Maybe that’s why they are called dreams. Call me stupid, but oh wells. I probably am.

How did this start in the first place? I never wanted it to happen this way. I guess that’s how the gods like to make fun of me. Well, thanks. Is there any explaining to do? Doubts to be cleared? Dirt to be washed away? Things to be pieced back together? Thoughts to be straightened out? I hope.

I guess I’m in a clamer mood now.. Things are going on slower. I guess its better this way. I can think a little less.. Feel a little more. No, wait. Feeling ain’t the best thing right now. Ah, well.. What is?

I honestly don’t know why is this affecting me so much.. Not so much of what happened, but the outcome of it.. Heavenly bodies up there, do someting! Hmm, on second thoughts, maybe not. I’m pretty much screwed enough. Hah. When fate intervined. So, well, life goes on. Ain’t exactly in the most bubbly mood, and I don’t forsee myself any happier than I am in some time to come..

But as they say, life’s a road we all must tread. Time passes as they have to, so we’ll just make the best of it. At the end of the day, time still has got a job to do…

P.S. Ah damn, I’m tired. Still thinking, poundering, wishing, hoping, feeling.

When Some Are Friends

Sometimes, the best gifts comes from the people whom you care about most. And sometimes, these gifts will probably stay with you for a long time coming.

So well, it was just another ordionary day, it was humid, as usual, kind of drizzled a little, not suprising in Singapore. But let’s just say, it happened to be my birthday. Oh well. And on this very day, god know why he chose this day out of the next 364 days on this bloody planet, I had received the best birthdat gift ever. First thing first, thanks to my friends for the wonderful gifts and dinner, you girls made my day, I’m serious. But anyways…

The Best gift came in the form of an sms. Wow, how great and sincere a gift. And how very sacarstic. Let’s not get into details here, but people who understand will immediately get what I’m saying. And that was the beginning of the pain that is to come.

So well, this sms. Nothing serious, as I was told. But to me, it meant something. It meant that, as life passes by year by year, (if I didnt mention, I received this UNDERSTANDING sms during a birthday dinner) people are people, and they are made to hurt one another. But some happen to be on the receiving end. I so wonder who is the unlucky dude here.

I learnt that, thanks btw for the sms, in life, after living a good 19 years of it, I sometimes see all the good in people that I ignored the bad, and much to my suprise, I get the punishment of it all. Sentenced for wanting to see the good of the world. Well, I guess that in life, you get more of the throns from the roses than the roses themselves.

So, well, the night of the birth (space) day wasn’t all that fancy and life changing after all. Wait, the latter kind of is true. But anyways. The birth (SPACE) day finally revealed to me what my life is all about. Not a fairytale, neither am I a princess of some sort (With T shirt and jeans, I bet I wasn’t one from the beginning) I was, too, forced with the knowledge that one will never know whats in someone elses’ mind, and one can never know. And the meaniest side of someone, is sometimes revealed to just one person, then forced to accept the truth and keep it secret, the victim has to do. With much pain, that is.

And how ever easy is it to speak, much less type an sms, it is words that hurt the most. Words that developed from the heart, brisk pass the dense brains, and out from the mouth (or fingers, with the technology we have now a days). While words mean so little to some, they determine where the life of someone else heads. How strange words are. But, wow, I marvel at what words can do.

So it was past 12 midnight. Talked to a couple of people I perhaps can regard as friends. Well, at least they dont say terrble things to people who regarded them as friends. At the strike of the clock, I’ve almost lived 19 years of life. Thanks to you, I can now consider the fact that I’ve grown. Alot, actually. I’ve seen who one really is, and how ugly this world can even get. Hah. Wow.

And thanks to you, really, I can consider myself seen the world a little more. After a good 19 years, as I said.

And the very next day, it ain’t smses anymore. The real words. Sincere words that came out from the mouth. Real, bloody words. And thanks to that, cause they re-confrim my analysis of life and the meaning of living in itself. I’ve finally gotten a confirmation, an answer. The dreams I had didn’t happen after all, the dreams I forced myself to dream about. I guess I can also finally doubt the myth that dreams come true and believe the notion that whatever one dream about, will never happen. The latter proved itself to me. And forever will it be this way.

So, words hurt. Words based on nothing but assumptions and emotions. Letting it drive you ain’t a way of getting things right. Thinking throuh perhaps is. I’ve been doing much thinking, yeah, as I said, thanks to you, my lovely friend.

So if life’s a bitch as they say it is, I can count on it.

P.S. Lets go to the whole new world together. We’ll ride on a carpet, and speak just the good words…