Please hold my hands, cause I’m scared…

Some people just have all the luck. The things I treasure never lands on the palm of mine. The things I consider ‘s0-s0′ in my life comes to find me. I guess I’ve mentioned this in my earlier post, but I still cannot get over the fact that this actually happen. I guess luck plays it’s part, till one’s will power takes over. You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. It takes heart break, but it will eventually work out. Somehow. Please hold my hands, cause I’m scared. All you need is one person to see you through all these, and things will ease. I reach out my hands to You…

Have you ever wanted to cry so bad but you kept the tears back to yourself? I did so. I told myself that I got to be strong. Who says a girl’s got to cry? And who says a guy can’t cry? So, I kept back the tears. And after that, I felt so bad. So terribly bad. Holding back tears is probably worse than getting drunk. I swear ’tis was true. But then I did not cry. And life went on. Till one fine day, I couldn’t take it anymore…

Is it weak to cry? Is it dumb and stupid and useless? I hope no; I fear it is. In the film Chungking Express, Cop #223 went to jog so that all his tears will come out of the body in terms of sweat. I shall perhaps try that. Crying is bad. Or is it not? It seems like what the weak will only do? How true is that? I don’t know.

But when I cried, I tried to think of things that would make me do so. Certain things made my tears gush out from the eyes, but when I thought of THAT, I didn’t feel the ache in the heart. I didn’t feel the need to cry over THAT anymore. I was glad. Because that means I’m totally over it, right? I think so, and I was truly glad, really. And I still am, because I’m strong enough to overcome that. Stronger than I reckon I’d be. I’m brave, as I tell myself that I am… I can make it through this step. It’s going to be a passing fade.

Trust. Believe. Confidence.

But is it weak to cry? I still don’t have the answer to that. And I don’t want to be weak. Who says a girl’s got to be weak.

Off topic:

One thing that I like about Hong Kong director Wong Kar-Wai is the themes explored in his films. Loneliness, unrequited love, alienation. It’s these themes that draw me to him, to his films, and to the characters in his films. I can relate with them, and I sometimes see myself in them. The situation they face, the decision they make, the consequences they bear. I felt that I could have perhaps done all that in my life. I was probably like them. I see myself in the form of the characters- asking a rug not to cry, sending off sorrows in the high mountains, giving myself dates to forget the past. Not literally like them, but the implied meaning. In one way or another, I can relate with them. Perhaps that is what draws me to his films. His stories. They are, somehow, me in the movies. In a different form. A better looking form, haha.

But these are what I face in life. A friend once asked me: “Do you sometimes feel that you are among a great bunch of people, and you think you know one another so well, but in actual fact, you don’t really? You are together, yet separated at the same time.” Caught in the moment of the ‘happiness’ and ‘comfort’, I told him: “Nope.” But the more I think of those words, the more I felt it to be true. Do you really know who you really are? If not, then how do you know who your friends are? They are your friends- yes, definitely. But deep inside them, who are they really? I think one’s got to come in terms of oneself on who he/she really is, before one is to make that statement on others. That’s my own perspective, might not be so for others. But I know I have to reach a state when I know who am I, really, before I know the reason I’m doing what I’m doing.

Some say I think too much, out of concern, and I appreciate it, I really do. But if I don’t set my perspective of the world right, I won’t know why am I living in the first place. Yes, there are times to just relax and take life easy. But there are times, too, when we got to think hard enough and deep enough to know what we really want out of this very life.

I hope I know the answer soon.

Anyway, I can’t wait to watch In The Mood For Love, by Wong. Looking for it everywhere, but no one seems to have it. I shall continue. The plot seems interesting and really unique. Hope to find it soon…

Tell me, if to cry is to be weak.

P.S. ‘You’ is relative.

Have You Ever Been Afraid?

I was just randomly thinking of the past. The past when I was back in Secondary School. The past, when my classmates and I would queue outside class every morning for assembly when the sky was still dark. The past when we would wait for one another after class to go to the preview theater or some sort for another Literature class and watch films on “Twelfth Night”. The past when we would go to the ever so crowed canteen together, and queue up at the same stall, for the same food. We knew what each of us likes, and we often made jokes about it. Like how great it would be to make a ‘tofu’ drink, since the tofu sause was so damn nice… And some would frown in disgust. And how we would shout at each other from the assembly ground to the class if we have forgotten to take something, or just for the fun of it. And how some of us lazy ones liked to forn the ‘slackers’ club when we had to do specific activities for PE that we didn’t quite enjoy. Those were the days, the days that made me smile, the days that taught me that life was exciting, the days that were pretty much just perfect. Everything was on our side, everything seemed sunny and cheerful. Except for A Maths, though. But life was great.

Life’s great now, too. I’m enjoying what I’m doing. The lack of sleep is sometimes fun. I’m doing things that make me excited about the world. But it all seemed mroe complicated now. Things have changed. I’ve fallen into deeper shit, and am still struggling out of it. I’ve probably led myself into darker alleys where searching for the light seemed hard and impossible. But Im still walking. I’ve fallen countless times, and have gotten dust on my head. But I’m burshing them off, and moving on. So for now, things are fine. Life’s moving on.

It’s the future I’m afraid of. Nothing to fear, some would say, we all go through it. Yes we do, but we are all individuals. I’m scared. I dont know what’s in store for me. I dont know the paths I’d take, although I’ve made preparations. I dont know what kind of person I’d become, like as if I knew who I am right now. I dont know what university will I go to, what job will I have, what kind of family will I land myself into. I’m afraid, I have to admit. And I dont know who’s here to help, who’s here to support. I feel lost at times, it’s scary.

I was watching the music video of Plain White T’s ‘Hey There Delilah’, and there was this shot of a girl walking alone in some city in New York I think. That image somehow made me scared. Where will I be walking in 5 years time? Singapore? Hong Kong? US? UK? I dont know, therefore I fear. I’m afraid of the future. Who’s going to thread the path with me? Who’s going to lead me on and hold my hand when I’m scared? Who’s going to carry me when my feets are aching from all that walk? I dont know. I’m scared. I hope I knew, but somehow, god is preventing me from knowing the truths just yet. Why? I don’t know, therefore I fear.

The future is scary. There’s so much mystery hidden from us. So much that is not revealed just yet. We have to wait. Let time lead us, move us forward. I guess that’s the only way out. And to believe in myself. That the clouds will clear, and I will be able to see who am I, and what am I. It’s frightening, but sometimes, it gets exciting too. All that fun. All that discovery. All that pain.

I am not ready for the future. There’s so much to do, so much to prep. But I hope one day, I’ll know what I really want in life. It’s too short for regrets. Like in the film “Happy Together” by Wong Kar-Wai, a character said that he has regretted something so much, the regret could kill him. I dont want this to happen to me again. Not that it hasn’t happened to me before. Not again, I just hope. I’m still recovering from the regret, though. But I’ll be fine, at least I tell myself.

Sometimes I want to ask the god above what is HE doing with me? Putting me through much s***, ‘giving’ me things I’d rather not have while taking away the things I want so much. Is it some kind of excahange? I hope to swap it for the things I’d rather have. Cant be bought, it’s a blessing that I wish to have.. But oh wells. I know I’m blessed in my very own way. If i could switch my life for someone elses, I’d rather not. I just hoped that certain things would have turned out the way I dreaded them to. But I guess the more one is blessed with, the less he/she learns and experiences, the less one gets, the more he/she grows. I believe this saying to be true…

We all got to start somewhere. You think I’m troubled, I probably am.

Anyway, I’m beginning to love Asian films. All thanks to Regional Cinema class. This is where my roots is. This is therefore where my heart is. Hate it real bad when people ignore and despise their very own culture, tradition, and very own self. It’s plain disgusting. I’ve seen many such people in an evolving Asia these days. It’s sad, stupid, and as I said, disgusting.

Back to topic. I’m going to do a presentation on Hong Kong director Wong Kar-Wai, the blockbuster ‘failure’ but arthouse darling, as my lecturer puts it. And I’ve just watch Eros, Chingking Express and Happy Together. Great masterpiece. Visual treat. Thought provoking stories. Emotional content. Everything combined into one, so beautifully pieced together. Wong Kar-Wai and Director of Photography Christopher Doyle make the best Asian filmmaker ‘couple’. Just like Emmanuel Lubezki is with Mexican director Alfonso Cuaron. Their child is a work of art, almost to the likes of pure magic.

We’ve just watched Farewell, my Concubine in class. It was yet another Asian masterpiece. After the film, i was awestrucked. I couldn’t believe this could actually be made. Honestly. There was so much to think about, so much to cry about. Love seperated by time and believes. Dreams dashed by an event leading to another. Hearts broken by lies and the need for survival. Futures destroyed by jealously and the inability to handle situations. What a sad film. What a perfect film. Deyi’s situation is what I can relate with, minus the question of his own sexuality. That, for sure, I’m glad I’m fine..

My lecturer made a point in class the other day, which I thought was so true and so honest to one. I’ve been thinking of it for days, and have to voice my thoughts here.

I used to hate the Japanses. They freaking murdered my great grandfather in the bastardised World War II. He died is their hands, leaving my poor great grandmother and grandmother and her siblings living difficult lives in fear for the tomorrow. So, I hated most things Japanses. Their films inculded. Anime, dramas and whatever shit they produced. That, at least, was my past perception. But one day, my lecturer said: Art transcends all boundaries. Deyi agreed to perform for the Japanese because someone among the crowd really liked Chinese Opera (refering to the film Farewell, My Concubine). There was an exchange in art. The Japanses were the Chinese’s enemy, but since he liked Chinese Opera, Deyi agreed to perform for him. Some people say they hate Japanses and thus will not watch their films. But if this is art, shouldn’t we all embrace it together, regradless of country, culture, language, background? If it was a pure form of art, it is for the world to share.

His statement strucked me. I sat in the lecture hall, speechless. How naive I was. How dumb. Anime, though so too cute I cant stand some of them, are a form of art. They have a story to tell. I was wrong. I needed to repent and change. If I call myself someone who loves art, how can I reject the art a country offers, despite the painful past they have left my country with? I can hate the World War II they started. I can hate their guts and stupidity. I can hate the fact that my great grandfather’s blood is stained on their palms. Togehter with many other of my ancestors in Singapore. But if they produce art too, should I love their art? Art, as I repeat, trancends all boundaries.

Art, in it’s finest, is gold.

Wise People Say..

During the journey of life, you meet wise ones here and there. Some impart knowledge, some explain senses, and some change lives. I’m just glad to say that in my life, I do come across such people. One may appear easy going at first glance, but one’s deep thoughts reveal when he/she is at his/her most comfort.

A friend introduced me this quote from a movie: It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

How true. What we don’t know, is eventually what we fear. The unknown is what frightens us most, and what makes us toss and turn in bed. They make us loose sleep, shape the dreams we have, and cause us to linger on in life. When it’s time, it’s time to leave things behind, and dare to move on. No point lingering, no point hoping for the unattainable. Seek the unknown ahead of us, and walk towards it. You never know, you might just meet the end of the tunnel eventually, something far greater than expectations. Move on…

Nuff of this. I heard this ‘quote’ or rather explaination, which I think makes much sense to me. Not just in terms of interest, but in some way or another, the way I live my life… Here goes…

Why do some fear shooting on film, a medium that has been capturing the beauty of the world for century? And opt for digital instead? Now, many shoot on HD, HDV, SD, that they are strangers of film. Some even enemies of them. But what was our history? It began with film as a medium of storytelling in the case of moving pictures. Anyways… More and more shoot HD, we shoot less of film, thus our ‘fear’ in film. But thats because of fear. Fear of what’s unfarmilar. Fear of what stretch us out of our comfort zone.

Film has many advantages. Someone once explain it in this way: Shooting HD is like baking a cake. You put in the ingredients, mix them up to what you like, and put it into the oven. In the heating devise, there’s no way to adjust what you’ve just baked. No way to improve on it. Digital is like baking. Everything is in a coded format that nothing much can be done to what you’ve ‘achieved’.

Now, you can cook, say, a meal. In a cooking pot. You’ve added the ingredients and stir fry it. Then, you want more salt. You add it. You need more sugar, you add it. Your dish remains the same. You’ve just made it better, while staying faithful to what you’ve intended to cook. It’s like shooting on film. It’s on a magical, material medium. There’s much to improve on, things that can be made more beautiful. You dont manipulate your images, you improve them. Begin with something good, and end with something better. That’s film.

But nonetheless, what remians is the story, for without it, even the best technology is bulls. Things kept close to the heart and is sincere and honest breaks all bounds of technology. For it’s real.

Sometimes, ask yourself, who am I? We all need an answer, someday or another. That day will eventually come.

P.S. In the heart, there’s still the space for you.

Digging A Hole

You start digging. Sometimes in life, you get this burden in your heart that you try to dig a hole deep enough to hide it. To bury it and keep it secret and abandoned forever. To forget it, and move on, as they always ask you to- move on, man. So, you start to dig. And while you are digging, deeper and deeper each moment, you see something else that makes you feel like life isnt just that dull after all. You get distracted, stop digging for a while, and look. And then, that new something becomes so prominent in your life that the old burden doesnt seem to matter anymore. This new something now becomes the centre of your life that you’re excited to do stuff. Not that this new something doesn’t come with burdens. You know the trouble you’ll face, the shit you’ll be in- it is a package deal you’d get with this new something. But you cant run away from it, it’s glued to you.

So then, you dig again. But with a new motivation behind each spade of soil you remove. Now, you want to keep this precious new thing so close and remembered sweetly that you dig. Dig and dig, to make it treasure. And now, you dig with a smile. But good things ain’t forever. You dig so deep in that you find yourself digging your way to a bottomless pit. You find yourself making a hole that will probably never end- and you are now at the bottom on the hole. You cant get out. There’s no way you could. You regret, but at some corner of your heart, you still want to dig in deep so that you can still store that new something close to the heart. Its a delima. You dont know what to do now. No one can help- not a single sole. You’re basically: screwed.

Its a trouble you found for yourself. A trouble that put an end to the old burden, but a new trouble nonetheless. Its a pretty fun trouble, sweet and nice. But, a trouble nonetheless. And this new trouble has got to end, somehow.

No more digging, please, I beg of myself…

P.S. I’m thinking I might like to go to Hong Kong to further my studies. Might. (ok, this was pretty random)

P.S.S. You taught me much, trouble. 😉

Time’s Relative.

Well, they say time is measured by how long we desire it to be. I guess it’s true. What may seem like eternity might be only a few seconds long, and what seem to have passed in the blink of an eye might have been happening since the beginning of civilisation.

Oh well, I hope the saying is as true as I believe it to be, and hopefully, I can finally turn to a new chapter in the life I have. Not necessarily good, but for the better. Be it new troubles, at least I’m off the old ones. Get the load off my back, finally, and, well, begin something new. But, like I said, not necessary for the better. Haha.  I guess I’m near. Thanks to time. Yeah!

Anyway, we were watching few short films in class today. One of them was “Ah Ma”, a film I’ve always wanted to watch. Woohoo! It was made by most of my school’s alumni, something I take great pride in. I’m so proud of them, and I hope they are doing such stuff they love right this moment 🙂

Then, suddenly it strike me how much I actually liked my course. It’s funny to say it, since its more acceptable for students to hate school than to like it. But somehow, after the sweat and blood (literally), the hard work day and night, all the tough-it-out production modules we’ve had together, I’ve fallen in love in the course. Seriously. We can complain all we want, complain about the workload that was meant to kill, complain that how ‘no life’ we have becomed ever since we’ve entered the course. But looking back the 2 years, I actually enjoyed everthing we went through. It was, without a doubt, tiring, but it was fun, exciting, rewarding, and filled with unmeasurable experience! (ok, it’s real bad I sound like some stupid advertisement here, but it’s true for me) It’s just this really happy, excited feeling to get to learn what I really like. I cant wait to be doing more of these.. Somehow, studying have becomed fun. haha! And I cant wait to be doing more of these in my life in the future, should I have the chance to do so. Perhaps, life aint that dull as it seem it was.

Anyway, this peson from school told us not too long ago that at some point of time in our lives, we’ve all got to make a decision on what is it that we consider important in our life. What do we consider as the goal of our existence. There are countless things we believe are important to us now. So so many. But we’ve got to realise, one day, that there is this one thing that we treasure most. And it is this one thing that will lead us through the corssroads we’d face and decisions that we’d make. What is mine? I dont kow yet. I’ve been thinking, now and then, but maybe I’m not yet in that situation where I consider hard enough to give myself  the answer. That day will come, I dont know when. But at least now I’m prepared for that day. Till the day comes, I’d continue to obeserve my life, and understand myself a little more. There’s perhaps so much about me that I dont know, so much I’ve yet to explore. But thanks for the advice, I’m can safely say I’m more prepared for times to come.

Life moves on. We shouldn’t too easily allow things around  us affect our living. We’ve got to grow, learn, improve ourself, and as I said, move on. Its a continuous process. Know what we want (it having to be correct, erm, morally or so to speak), and go for it. But dont hurt anyone along the way, I believe. We’ve all got lives to lead, you and me.

Oh, I’ve finally gotten Y tu mama tambien. Been looking for it for ages. Done by my all time favourite Emmanuel Lubezki, so I’m so excited to watch it finally. Bet it’s going to be darn good. Whoopee~

Anyway, this person also told us that if someone tells us (females) that woman cant be a Director of Photography, tell them: Who’s your mama? Haha my friends and I thought it was pretty funny. Without females, males wont exist. I guess it’s a vice versa thing, though. Yeah, we females do face physical challenges as compared to males, but that doesnt mean we are any way stupid-er. I understand our constrains, and how the world view us, but a change has to happen. Not that it is all hope and no hard work, though. Accept ciritsm and learn, impove and experience. At least there’s a ‘try’, and a hope. And probably, a future.

Alright, it’s labor day, but I’ve got an assignment to complete, before I’m in some deep shit. Haha 🙂 I’ll try to make it fun!

P.S. I.. eh, oh well. ❤