Some people just have all the luck. The things I treasure never lands on the palm of mine. The things I consider ‘s0-s0′ in my life comes to find me. I guess I’ve mentioned this in my earlier post, but I still cannot get over the fact that this actually happen. I guess luck plays it’s part, till one’s will power takes over. You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. It takes heart break, but it will eventually work out. Somehow. Please hold my hands, cause I’m scared. All you need is one person to see you through all these, and things will ease. I reach out my hands to You…
Have you ever wanted to cry so bad but you kept the tears back to yourself? I did so. I told myself that I got to be strong. Who says a girl’s got to cry? And who says a guy can’t cry? So, I kept back the tears. And after that, I felt so bad. So terribly bad. Holding back tears is probably worse than getting drunk. I swear ’tis was true. But then I did not cry. And life went on. Till one fine day, I couldn’t take it anymore…
Is it weak to cry? Is it dumb and stupid and useless? I hope no; I fear it is. In the film Chungking Express, Cop #223 went to jog so that all his tears will come out of the body in terms of sweat. I shall perhaps try that. Crying is bad. Or is it not? It seems like what the weak will only do? How true is that? I don’t know.
But when I cried, I tried to think of things that would make me do so. Certain things made my tears gush out from the eyes, but when I thought of THAT, I didn’t feel the ache in the heart. I didn’t feel the need to cry over THAT anymore. I was glad. Because that means I’m totally over it, right? I think so, and I was truly glad, really. And I still am, because I’m strong enough to overcome that. Stronger than I reckon I’d be. I’m brave, as I tell myself that I am… I can make it through this step. It’s going to be a passing fade.
Trust. Believe. Confidence.
But is it weak to cry? I still don’t have the answer to that. And I don’t want to be weak. Who says a girl’s got to be weak.
One thing that I like about Hong Kong director Wong Kar-Wai is the themes explored in his films. Loneliness, unrequited love, alienation. It’s these themes that draw me to him, to his films, and to the characters in his films. I can relate with them, and I sometimes see myself in them. The situation they face, the decision they make, the consequences they bear. I felt that I could have perhaps done all that in my life. I was probably like them. I see myself in the form of the characters- asking a rug not to cry, sending off sorrows in the high mountains, giving myself dates to forget the past. Not literally like them, but the implied meaning. In one way or another, I can relate with them. Perhaps that is what draws me to his films. His stories. They are, somehow, me in the movies. In a different form. A better looking form, haha.
But these are what I face in life. A friend once asked me: “Do you sometimes feel that you are among a great bunch of people, and you think you know one another so well, but in actual fact, you don’t really? You are together, yet separated at the same time.” Caught in the moment of the ‘happiness’ and ‘comfort’, I told him: “Nope.” But the more I think of those words, the more I felt it to be true. Do you really know who you really are? If not, then how do you know who your friends are? They are your friends- yes, definitely. But deep inside them, who are they really? I think one’s got to come in terms of oneself on who he/she really is, before one is to make that statement on others. That’s my own perspective, might not be so for others. But I know I have to reach a state when I know who am I, really, before I know the reason I’m doing what I’m doing.
Some say I think too much, out of concern, and I appreciate it, I really do. But if I don’t set my perspective of the world right, I won’t know why am I living in the first place. Yes, there are times to just relax and take life easy. But there are times, too, when we got to think hard enough and deep enough to know what we really want out of this very life.
I hope I know the answer soon.
Anyway, I can’t wait to watch In The Mood For Love, by Wong. Looking for it everywhere, but no one seems to have it. I shall continue. The plot seems interesting and really unique. Hope to find it soon…
Tell me, if to cry is to be weak.
P.S. ‘You’ is relative.