I wanted an angsty title, but nevermind…

You know how some people say words hurt. Oh god, they do. And for the love of god, please do remember this- words can break a heart. You know it, you’ve mention this before, but you still had to do it.

And being wronged is another thing altogether. Although they are inter connected in some way or another. My heart broke, but I’ve mended it back already. The cuts are still there, you know. Will you fix them for me? Probably not. There are so much more stuff in your mind…

I’m not angry with you, neither am I disappointed. I’m just sad; heartbroken. Sad that that’s what I’m like in your eyes. Not that it doesn’t pain me enough to… Ah nevermind. Not saying here, at least. But you’ll never, ever understand.

Maybe, in the context of Wong Kar Wai’s theme of time, I’ve made a wrong decision is the past. I’ll live with it, I’ll move on from it. It’s hard to express what’s deep in the heart. Maybe it’s meant to stay in there forever?

No, I dont think so. I’ll share it with the person who matters most in future, I guess. But not now, not now.

How long does it take for sorrow to fade away?

P.S. You is relative.

Advertisements

And so they say…

王家衛- I love the way he portrays his themes in his films. Especially the theme of time.. Its such a basic subject matter we face with everyday and during the course of life, but sometimes don’t know how to express it. 王家衛 was able to place these themes under a microscope for us to feel, think and understand better.. There are something to take away from his themes, as well as better understand the situation HK-ners feel. I’m rushing on a thesis essay now, perhaps when I have the time I’d love to explain his themes here 😛

Anyways, people say life is a marathon. Likened to it, 6 months of this semester is marathon too, then. We’ve sprinted when we needed to, took a break when the body calls for it, and now I think it’s time to sprint the last lap. Just a little more and we’ll make it. A little more push. We’re tired, but we’ll nonetheless try. Its a race worth running for.

Alright, back to work. I just happened to miss my blog, so I’m here to write a little something. So much on my mind, I’ll pen them down when I have a little more time.

P.S You is relative.. still.

Marathon6PR916071

Here is a nice photo of Wong’s film In the Mood for Love I saw on the net.. enjoy:

2722874754_fb63512d35

I’d say “I love you.”

Sometimes in life, we are made to endure so many forms of regret. Regret that we did not make full use of a situation, regret that we we did not do what we should have done, and regret that we did not treasure what we’ve had.

My friend asked me what would I have said to my great grandmother should she have still alive.. Counting on the regrets I’ve faced, and the want for her only after her death, I’d say: I love you. I dont recall ever saying that to her. In fact, I dont recall ever saying these to my grandparent, my parents, my sister, my cousin, my friends and people in my life. Perhaps saying “I hate you” is much easier than saying “I love you”, though what we really meant was “I love you”. Yes, action speaks louder than words. Much louder. But sometimes, words do make a difference too ❤

Not wanting to live with the regret of missing the moments I could have spent with my family members, when my grand aunty came over to my grandparents house today, I went over to say hi. I was darn tired. Sleeping in the bus till I drool. But that’s beside the point. I was so tempted to just go home, bathe and do my assignments. But I don’t want to feel the same way towards my grandauntie and granduncle the same way I did to my great grandmother. Though we are not that close, I haven’t seen her for ages, and after all, we’re family. Blood joins us together. She’s aged a lot though. But I guess that’s a process we’ve all got to accept. That’s life, as it is.

Anyways, I’m still thinking how strange life is. So much to be explored, so much to be explained. I’ll continue searching.

P.S. You is relative.

I find myself missing you suddenly

I had some conversation not too long ago, and it made me miss my late great grandmother. Not that heart broken kind of miss, neither was it the full-of-regrets kind of miss. I wasn’t sad. In fact, I was happy. I was happy I had her as a great grandmother. I was glad for the memories I had with her. I was thankful for the time spent with her. My dear great grandmother. How I miss her, how I love her. And how joyful am I for having such a wonderful lady to have spent much of my childhood with me.

We didn’t meet every day. In fact, she lived in another country. But my childhood are filled with the memories of her by my side that it seemed that we lived together. I remember the times Mel and I hugged her because we were scared of the thunder. I remember the times when I just came home from school and she began bragging about how well my sister could draw. (-,-) I remember the times when I saw her in her room praying to her God, with those beads and stuff. I remember, when she was sick, how swollen her feet were. She couldn’t even walk. How my heart ached for her. And how I cried my eyes out when I was at her funeral. How I finally realised I’d never see her again. My great grandmother.

That was long ago already. Now, no one hardly speaks about her. Once in a while, maybe. Not much. Most of them saw her departure as a relief. For her. Since she was in great pain due to age. I saw it as a loss. Maybe I was selfish. I wanted her to he here forever. I never wanted her to go. Maybe I didnt care whether she was in pain or not. How selfish. Perhaps it was good she’s in somewhere where no one feels pain right now. I so bet she’s enjoying herself now 🙂 Oh, I bet she is. But though no one in the family speaks of her, I know that they love her. Cheesy, but she is in out hearts. Forever. When I’m old, I’d probably still think of her, and the memories we’ve had together. Maybe the whole family can unite in heaven or something. Together with my friends…

So for my cineto project, a story to be shot on photo slides, I’m going to do the best out of it. In memory of her. I want something so personal to me, something that represents her in my life. Something that she’d be proud to see me make. I’m sure she will.

Oh god, I’m crying already. Great grandma, if you could hear me now, I just want to say, I love you. I always will. ❤

P.S. there are many forms of love in this world.

Disney’s songs are Sad…

I used to Love Disney songs, ’cause they sound like ‘happily ever after, forever’ kind of feel. But once I really made the point to listen to the lyrics carefully, and I came to understand that their songs are not all about princess, princes, little maidens in forests etc, but some of the songs do have lyrics that speak a lot of the human soul and mind. They explain certain feelings we have but don’t know how to express, they reflect certain pains we see in society that many don’t seem to realise, they point out certain aspects of life we fail to reflect upon.

One of my favourite is Hakuna Matata, go check that song out. The song seems so catchy, fun and funny even, but if you do listen carefully to the lyrics, you can definitely spot certain elements in the song that reflect alot about society. Like how a ‘name’ by itself is meaningless, and how kids are not ‘supposed’ to be exposed to things like the word “retarded”. Its worth the time, really.

Here is Shooting Star, from the film Hercules. Read the lyrics, they mean so much to me. You may think that there are so many people around you, but sometimes, really, you are all alone. I dont know if this is an aspect of life, I dont know if everyone goes through it, but it is definitely something I can really feel. And it’s something my heart breaks for.

Everyone has already found somebody.

I think god likes to play around with my life.

SHOOTING STAR

No one seems to think too much of me here
And they’re glad to tell it to my face
And they’re right I’m not supposed to be here
I’m completely out of place
Somehow there has got to be a reason
Evenings as I try to think it through
There’s a bolt from the blue

And I see a Shooting Star
Set apart from all the rest
While the other stars are standing still
He’s on a quest
Every night this shooting star
Darts across the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn’t quite fit in
And he’s longing to know why

I feel so much better when it’s night-time
That’s when I can sort of disappear
When the sun has set in it’s the right time
For pretending I’m not here
Sometimes I just stare up to the heavens
Wondering if the answer is inside
That’s when I see the light

Of myself that shooting star
On his way to who knows where
He’s the one like all the stars
He outshines up there
And the solitary star
Is an awful lot like me
On an endless search through time and space
For a place that won’t seem wrong

If we both hang on for long enough
If we both somehow are strong enough
We’ll find out where we belong

Ev’ry night this shooting star
Darts across the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn’t quite fit in
And he’s longing to know why

You don’t want to die, but sometimes, you just want to disappear for a while.

P.S. You is relative

When dawn appeared at dusk

Its me again.

I can feel the cool breeze in my room. It’s a time when everyone’s asleep- your family members, your dear friends, your pets… And its the time when you feel like you’re the only one left on earth… To each his own, this can welcome a feeling of serenity, or it can evoke an emotion of fear… Well, to each his own..

Sometimes, miracles come in the form of time. Things happen just when you need it to. And then, you go on to realise it ain’t that special after all. And then you’re back to the lonely road again, hoping for something to pop out from somewhere. Then maybe you’ll smile a little more..

My feelings these months can be summarised in the experience of the nail.

First, it was a feeling of sudden shock. I don’t know what went wrong. I don’t know why.

Then, it was the feeling of fear. Fear of what’s going to happen. Fear of the future.

Next, it was the pain I felt. The understanding of what had occurred, and the pain of it. The sorrow, and the regret.

Now, it is the feeling of the longing for things to be over, soon. It’s no longer pain, there’s no more shock. It’s just the understanding that what has happened, happened. And the want for time to pass on, quickly, so the wounds will heal. So the days of fear will fade, and perhaps, just perhaps, some smile will surface. Real smile, that is…

Ah crap, enough of this shit. Anyways, I had this new revolution of film and digital. And I’m pretty proud of my final resolution regarding my view on the medium of image capturing. Will post them here soon. Test is tomorrow. Good night. Or rather, morning.

P.S. You is relative

Pamela~