DAMN. I hate to be stuck in cycles. And by judging my luck, I never seem to be completely gotten out of those. DAMN. It’s a cycle after another, without a final ‘resting place’ to end the rounds I’ve been taking. When can all these end, really? Bloody idiot.
I have a friend who, for the third time, asked me if I’d sacrifice my life for a shoot. From what I heard, it seemed more like a ‘shot’ instead of a ‘shoot’. But I take it as ‘shoot’. I was tempted to, on impulse, say yes, I will. It seemed so noble… To sacrifice your life, the WORLD for a shoot you ‘believe’ in. The word ‘yes’ could have easily gained much ‘respect’ from my friend. But honestly me answer is no.
No not because I dont take shoots seriously. Every shoot, to me, is to be given respect and trust. I can readily give up my energy, time, and (inevitably) health (in terms of lack of sleep thus falling sick) for a shoot. Perhaps many of my classmates and I have done so already. Shooting through the night till dawn of the following day. Getting the flesh of my fingertip slammed by the film camera’s magazine. Getting my fingers slashed by measuring tape. Getting sore muscles and sun burn because of a entire day of shoot. Getting painful palms because of the handling of equipments and sore feets. Having ugly muscles (hahahaha) and tired eyes from looking too long into the camera’s viewfinder… … These are sacrifices, aint it?
But when it comes to sacrificing my life, I don’t think I can. Maybe that makes me seen as NOT a ‘true artist’, whatever that means. Maybe that makes me come across as not being true to my work, which I can honestly say it ain’t true. But when it comes to life, be it literally speaking or meaning my family and friends, I cant give them up so easily.
As I question what means most to me, I must say it’s my family and friends. My grandparents need me, because I know how much they love me. My parents need me, I know how much time and effort and even money have they given up for me. My sister needs me, despite all the quarrels, she loves me. My friends need me, we spent so much time of our lives together. Not that these people will die without me, not that they need me to survive (duh) but they need me. I know that. Because they love me.
And shooting, making films, are personal passion in my life. Things that I like to do. Things that I believe are worth sacrificing certain things in life for. But when it comes to life in its own, it’s family and friends that matter most.
If my parents and grandparents can scarifice so much for me, I don’t know why I cannot do so for them too.
Honestly, I feel that my parents have enough money for my uni, and even maybe ‘fund’ me in future shoots. Money might not be a thing I have to worry about. Last time, when I planned for my future, all I thought of was what I WANTED and FELT like doing. Make films all the way. SO what if i didn’t earn? It didnt really bother me. After all, money is not all, right? Nah, I have a family to look after.
Because now, as time comes nearer (and because I have so many school film shoots I see the importance of money), I begin to think about what I really want for the future. I have plans to give myself time to do what I like to do, but I’ve now, glad to say, also plans to do things I can to earn money and pay back my family in kind. And even take care of them. Be it my current family, and perhaps family in future. Maybe, as I see it, it’s not all about ME now. I have people around me to look after of. I have people around me who require my time and love. And that is what I’m going to give them.
I’m glad my parents taught me how to love my family since young.
So if I was asked f I could give up my LIFE for a strong passion I have, I cant say that my entire life can be given up. Huge sacrifices can be made along the way, I’m more than glad to do so. But having to sacrifice my ‘life’ and family & friends. I’m sorry, I can’t. I have my passion, that is filmmaking, but if that was compared to the people around me, I’ll choose those I love. If it makes you think more ‘lowly’ of me and question my ‘passion’, then so be it. I myself know how much I love what I’m doing. I myself know how hard I work to make the shoots I do a success. I myself know how much I believe in the stories we tell in the shoots, and how much I’d work to make the dream (of telling the story) come true. But when it comes to family and friends, I’ll choose them. People I cannot live without.
I’m finding a way to make these work between the two, and I wont give up finding.
But as of now, I’m glad I know what makes up my life. ❤
P.S. You is Relative.
Hair in gate, hair in gate, HAIR IN GATE!!!!!!!!
We went for telecine last night, and our footage had this ugly, inverted triangle smacked in the middle top of the frame. DAMN. Hair in gate. Then I recalled checking the lens and gate while shooting, and everything SEEMED fine, so I thought it wasnt really a problem on my part.
Then today, news came that the hair in gate was there! I could have seen it, even with the naked eye. DAMN. I didnt check after every important shot, and I only checked it after loading the film and putting on the magazine into the body of the camera. So, I might have CARELESSLY missed it 😥 Oh holy cow, my footage is RUINED!!! I mean, it’s going to look ‘damaged’ and unprofessional. Argh!!!!! I should have checked it PROPERLY! Lesson learnt, I am going to check my gate and lens and the entire camera THOROUGHLY AND CAREFULLY before I shoot, and after every IMPORTANT take. Seriously, this is a lesson learnt, the hard and painful way.
It’s like a slap on the face.
Ok great, so lesson learnt. Not just learnt, but to be CORRECTED. For every single shoot from now onwards, I’m going to do what I have to do. No room for ‘laziness’ or carelessness. 😦
How I feel right now 😥
I knew I wanted to join a media course in Singapore ever since I was in secondary 3. 2 years later, I joint fsv, a film course. Now, I’m in the first semester of my third (and last) year. That is a solid 2 1/2 years in film school, and almost 4 1/2 years since I knew I wanted to give a go at a media ‘career’. And in a couple of WEEKS time, my group and I will be going full-force on our final year project, which is to make a short film.
We chatting about this over supper today, and someone mentioned that literally speaking, we have spent 4 1/2 years of our life waiting for this time. This time to make a film. What is the film we want to make? There could be many different answers to this, but there could only be 1 personal, sincere, and honest answer.
To me, I’ve always wanted to make a film that expresses what I feel in me, that sometimes, even words cant express. It can be about anything- love, family, school, life… At least it is something I can understand, something I feel that I’ve ‘been there, done that’. And may this story be something people from different parts of the world can understand. Something they can learn from.
I’ve waited 4 1/3 years for this once chance. I’m not going to screw it up. Whatever it takes (as much as limits allows), I’m going to give in all I can. And I believe that if the group does so too, we’re going to make something great out of lengths of celluloid. A story so humane, that humans will love. (And of course on my part, the look of the film is second priority.)
Off topic, I can wait 4 1/2 years for the chance to make a film. But how long can I wait for other things in life? How long am I willing to wait for something I’ve dreamt so much for, until the day I give up? Or will I not give up? Or will I not even bother to wait?
Some people spent their entire life waiting for something they’ll never have. Perhaps sometimes, fate likes to make a fun out of us. Perhaps sometimes, the timing just isnt just right. The idea of missed moments. You miss it, and you’ll probably spent your entire life waiting for something you’ll never get. Its like a farmer planting crops. He plants a seed in the soil, but as it is falling onto the fertile ground, a bird sweeps by and picks it up. The farmer did not see it, and so he waits. He waits for the crop to grow, to mature. He waits and he waits. But truth is, nothing will happen. It is gone.
Isnt it just like life? We can wait for something we love forever, but at some point or another, we might just realise that it is gone. You get the feeling of regret? Too bad, maybe. Life just has to go on.
Oh wells, life goes on. Decisions must still be made.
4.5 years…. 4.5 years.
My Very dear group I’ll be spending my next 6 months with… ❤
People you rely on when SHIT comes your way…