You can’t always get what you want

Yeah, heard that from a song while I was watching House MD. Damn you, Van. You’re making me addicted to it. Bleh. House’s life sucks. He might be the greatest doctor in all time, but his life sucks. Just like mine. Lets not start with the word ’emo’ here, cause its a word people use when they DON’T KNOW how to describe someone. I hate that word. But House’s life sucks. Mine too. Seriously. Nothing goes on right for me. Decisions made in the past have led me to regret it for life. Or maybe for the next 6 months or so. Some of you girls might know what I’m talking about. And there is some ba*****s in the world that have made my life so much more worse. Seriously, stop (^#($&@^@(#*@*$)#*%$&$^#&@) I won’t mention them here. Privacy, guys. But you don’t know, don’t you. Yeah, you don’t. You’re probably stuck in that lucky, little wonderful, blissful, colourful world of yours to care more. I know how lucky you are, but that’s enough. Stop it already.

Arghh! How can I ever express what I feel? I guess its how some of my emotions are being evidently portrayed in films. Maybe thats why I’m addicted to them. Like only the characters know how I feel. No one else in this miserable world does. Miserable, pathetic world. But I’m probably the most pathetic one of them all. Feeling great cause someone’s (mine) life sucks more? Yeah, grats. You deserve it.. Ok, maybe I’m not exactly the most unlucky (there are homeless, alone, unhealthy people, maybe thats why I’m looking for a place to do some charity work with Gil, to bring the little bit of joy to sad people like me), but I’m miserable in my own context. And if you like to compare, I have a more screwed up history than any of you. People who know me well can account for that. Even they say my life is so… FML. Haha! Ying even said that if she feels that her life sucks, she’ll take a look at my photo, then at least she knows someone who life SUCKS SO MUCH MORE. Thats me. Thanks. I’ve had this curse since kindergarten. It’s been with me for a good (19-4) 15 years. Wow. Enough already, all mighty one. Give me some joy to work my life with… Side note: Hey, sometimes making fun of myself does relieve some of the angst. Lol.

Not that life sucks all that bad. Maybe mine does. But life as itself is great. I’m on the bus in the morning and I sometimes see the sun shinning on the trees. They look golden. I see the sun rising and setting, and they seemed magical. I see little kids playing football, and I feel so carefree for them. I see my friends smiling and laughing, I feel miserable. Haha.. Nah. Sometimes, maybe. But I feel happy for them, I sometimes will smile. Then go home and think of how my life sucks. LOL. But I’m glad for happy, lucky (?) people. And it seems that people who look good have more luck smiling on them. Damn. But anyways, life is good. Treasure it. It sucks for me, but sometimes when I ask myself if I’d rather be someone else, I think not. Weird for someone whos life is that miserable, I don’t know why. I don’t necessarily like the situation(SSSSS) I’m in, but somehow or another I’d rather be me. Or maybe its just me being indecisive.

People around me somehow seem to have everything I don’t have. Damn you all.

Go on, laugh. Be merry. Have fun. Love. And I’ll just sit in my room watching movies or reading the AC.

Talk about being passive.

You’ll probably not understand what I’ve been saying this 30 mins. That’s cause you’re feeling good. You’re happy. You’re too damn lucky to be on this world. I’m not all that fortunate. Plus, talk about having multiple pimples on the face, screwed up hair, and miserable hair colour too, being as fat as my mom says I am, and not being able to wear pretty clothes. And a long list down… …

Damn you (ahem.. shant say who) and the cute little face of yours. You claim to be all miserable and sad and come to be for help, and freaking BLAME me even for the little pathetic shit you’re in. Like I don’t have all the worries in the world to care about than to care for you. Then cry, wail, and act like a princess when I (who is more deserving of that) takes the blame for you. And I (who was originally no involved in this shit) have to settle your problems for you, while you’re out there having fun and getting all the undeserving attention and care you got. 5 minutes later, it’s all thanks and gratitude from you. So I’m off feeling like shit, and you’re there feeling that you’ve gained all the world can give, and make merry with (******) and thinking the future’s so bright for you guys.

And you guys take me for granted. Cause weeks down the road, its the same thing again. Now, more harsh. Damn you and that idiotic happiness of yours. Saying ‘sorry’ isn’t going to help. I somehow think I deserve to be happy more than you do, ass. But as luck would have it, I’m in this sad little hole in the world where no one can see, and you’re in some bright sunny beach and have all the love and joy you can get. Ass, you.

Yeah, ok anyway, other than that, people, life is good. Really. And I’m saying it with all honesty in the world, no doubt how angsty I seem to be feeling now. I’ll have to look for the joy in my world myself, since it’s not presented to me. I’ll find it, somehow. You, too. Not the you I was referring to in above paragraphs. But people who’s life sucks as bad as mine. You’ll find happiness. We’ll find them together.

So anyway, there’s so much I want to say about the post (below) that I quickly typed with the remaining 5 minutes of my meeting time today. But I can’t talk about it now- there’s DI session tomorrow and I’ve got loads to prepare for. But I was truly inspired. Will talk about it soon. Not like you care, though. But it makes me happy.

If there’s one guy that truly inspires me, its you. You referring to the greatest DP in the world. Haha! 🙂

P.S. I’m not being emotional here, really. I’m as happy as I can get as I type this. But I am a believer that things in the heart has got to be expressed. And since I don’t have a fantastic film (not yet, I hope) that allows me to express all this visually, my next best bet is to write them down, blog being the best place to do so. (Because hopefully you(the ass) will read it and feel all guilty. Nah, I’m just kidding… ) 🙂


6 thoughts on “You can’t always get what you want

  1. Aww thanks Van n Marj.

    Lol, I cant wait to watch House Season 2. I’ll pass you the magazine with Taritino (I think i spelt his name wrongly) soon! 🙂


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