Deeply Insulted.

I don’t know if you know how it feels to be deeply insulted. Not just you who gets insulted, but someone else involved too. 1 sentence from someone can affect 2 people so greatly.

But whatever the case is, I know that all the preparations and all the hard work are not in vain. I liked what I did. I’m proud of it, so all you need to do is STFU. Stop being so petty and ‘jealous’ if you could call it that. I think I know what you’re thinking, but I don’t give a f***** damn.

Try getting this insult hurled at your face. See what it feels like. And not as if  being ‘backstabbed’ helped it anymore. It just made me feel angrier. Only that the other person being badly insulted cant know what happened. If he knew, I can imagine the rage.

A quote from Twelfth Night says “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” I acheived no greatness, but I felt what I did satisfactory to me. And I’m glad.

You had greatness thrust upon you. All under your hands. But you misused it badly. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You ought to be.

I wish to expose this ugly, disgusting deed. But I’ve made a promise not to. If I had a choice, I’ll tell people who concern me so much.

If you know how it fells to be insulted and have a friend wrongly accused, you’ll know the anger in me now. Moral would have it that what you said deserves public attention. I want to see where you can hide that hideous face of yours. Facade, to be precise.

But I know what what can’t kill me will only make me stronger. Your words didnt kill me. I’m going to be strong to prove you damn bas**** wrong.

My friend suggested anchoring all my anger to make it good. Thats what I’m going to do. Waste no more time on you.

Lol at you, bugger.

P.S. I want primes.

Pam.

Nice Quotes from American Cinematographer in facebook

“Whether you’re a cameraman or a director, you should ask yourself every now and then, ‘What am I trying to do?’ Be honest and keep things very simple.” -James Wong Howe, ASC

My lecturer once told me: “The worst thing you can do is to be on set not knowing what you want.”

“If someone asked, ‘What did you think of the photography?’ and the reply was, ‘I don’t know. I didn’t notice it,’ then I would feel I had succeeded.” -Jack Cardiff, ASC, BSC

I remember in Year 2, my group was to adapt a scene in a film (we chose Ed Wood). There was a long take of a character being high in drugs, starting from the ground low angle, behind the door and it moves across the door to be a slightly low angle, MCU of the character. We only had the camera, with no jib or dolly and were limited with the amount of space the room offered. So, I hid behind the door and shot what I could, then quickly passed the camera to my director (Jacky), and he continued with the shot. We also had no assistant cameraman or grips, so that was the best we could do. But when my lecturer and other classmates saw it, they did not question how that shot was accomplished. To me, that gave us such great satisfaction. 🙂

“I see an incredible abuse of close-ups in many films these days. Why is that?” -Emmanuel Lubezki, ASC, AMC

Like the film Twilight, so much CUs were used my friends and I felt so uncomfortable watching it. Till now, we still dont quite understand why those CUs were used even when they were not needed. I realise that if you use little CUs, and when you need it, use an important CU, the impact is great! (Like in a scene in Sweeney Todd of Ben Barker in the attic)

“When you make something you like and audiences reject it, the experience can be painful. But I’ve discovered…that when you make something you aren’t exactly satisfied with, and someone tells you it’s great, that’s even mor…e painful and frustrating.” -Jean-Pierre Jeunet

My test shoot footage. My friends saw it and they liked the effect Digital Intermediate had on the image. I somehow felt that it didnt quite help in the story and didn’t quite like the image. But oh wells, I’m on the midst of finding the best possible ‘fantasy sequence’ look.

“It’s always exciting to try a new piece of gear, but sometimes two grips pulling a camera on a blanket is still the best solution.” -Glen MacPherson, ASC

YEAH MAN! My crew and I once did a shoot of a guy running down a long carpark as he chased a girl. They had me in a supermarket trolley and 3 strong guys pulled it down the road. The effect was great, well motivated and simple to execute (expect for the guys running on a hot afternoon). Haha! I don’t know if dolly, steadicam or even cranes can get that kind of simple, humble effect 🙂

“Learn the rules before you try to bend or break them. You need a foundation on which to build.” -Douglas Slocombe, BSC

I always hear friends say “SCREW THE RULES, IN THIS FILM, WE BREAK ALL OF THEM.” But it seemed they don’t even know what the rules were in the first place. Its tempting to do so, but sometimes we got to control ourselves..

“There are films that are pure entertainment, but there are also films that stay with you forever. I don’t think anything compares to a great film that has soul.” -Xavier Perez Grobet, ASC, AMC

Wow.. How true. Little Princess, while not the best films ever made, meant so much to me. So did Julia, The Third Man, 400 Blows, KKHH, Three Seasons, Se7en, Crash, Spirited Away, Lunch Date, Nosferatu, The Departed, Meet Joe Black, Y tu mama tambien, In the Mood for Love, Chungking Express….. And so much more!

“Every shot I have ever made has been a compromise in some way. No image has ever been as good as the one I envisioned in my mind’s eye.” -Roger Deakins, ASC, BSC

I feel this way too, but thats maybe I’m not as competent enough sometimes. HAHA!

“Sometimes, I think having less money can lead to more artistry.” – Sven Nykvist, ASC

You have to create from scratch. And the less you have, the more you need to show with what you have. So it might just as well get better then it could have been with a huge budget 🙂 (Note to self: This is what I need to keep in mind for my final year project…)

“Cinematography is a job that can be either boringly technical or magical. I was never trained to be that technical, so for me, it has to be magical.” – Fred Elmes, ASC

Nice 🙂 Some films I’ve seen are pure magic.

“You can read, you can watch, you can study, and one should do all those things, but it’s the physical reality of doing it that makes a difference. You need to make mistakes to really learn and move forward.” – Lisa Rinzler

I’ve heard so many warnings of to do’s and not to do’s and I’ve tried so hard to remember them all, but making mistakes seemed to make me learn more, in the hard way. Now I believe I will be so much more careful when it comes to hair in gate, dirty lenses, awkward compositions, distracting lighting ratios, and motivated lighting ‘styles’.

A man’s experiences are not infinite. And a good director can only bring something special to what he really knows about.” – Conrad Hall, ASC

Yeah. I have to learn to trust my director.

“One final thing a director needs: The ability to say ‘I am wrong’ or ‘I was wrong.’ Not as easy as it sounds. But in many situations, these 3 words, honestly spoken, will save the day.” – Elia Kazan

Perhaps everyone needs to know and dare to say this. But what the director says nonetheless have the greatest impact to the group, whether you like it or not.

“Sometimes I feel ashamed at my lack of interest in all the new techniques of modern filmmaking, but I prefer to work with as little equipment as possible. If I have a good lens and a steady camera, that’s all I need.” – Sven Nykvist, ASC

I feel that somehow too many equipment distracts us from really wanting to tell the story, and tempt us to be too caught up with cool effects and styles.

“I’d say to anyone trying to break into the business: Don’t just be interested in movies. Be interested in life. Be a person. Be in touch.” – Haskell Wexler, ASC

Anything can be made into a movie. But what makes a film so personal is the issues that it touches on and explains- mostly on mankind the the human life. Thats what not many movies can bring across.

“In my opinion, it’s much better for a film to be clumsy but sincere than technically slick but empty.” – Raoul Coutard

So well said! Soul, as they say..

“I urge students not to use their light meters blindly, but to use them creatively. There’s no such thing as a ‘correct exposure.’ Correct exposure is that which gives us our desired effects and tones.” – Subrata Mitra, ISC

Thats what my lecturer told us too. I’ll always keep this in mind. You got to know what you want..

“I think of filmmaking as a form of communication. Maybe it’s also an art, but that’s for somebody else to decide.” – Roger Deakins, ASC, BSC

🙂 You’re telling a story. Well said!!

“I don’t think I have a style. I know I don’t want one.” – Conrad Hall, ASC, in “Masters of Light”

Conrad will always be a cinematographer I respect 🙂 A good cinematographer’s got to be flexible. What he/she shoots got to complement the story, above all else.

These are some of the best quotes I’ve seen so far in the Facebook link of American Cinematographer, spoken by some of the best, wise and experienced cinematographers in the world. Some of them are so simple, but they mean so much..

Sorry

Hey guys, I don’t know if you’d see this, but all I want to say is sorry. Like I told some of you, I know its no excuse but I was in a lousy mood some days back (for like a week or so.. argh!), and thus those hurting words. I know I shouldnt say it, I know it hurt, but I did. And its funny how one’s mood can affect the people around him/her, I guess its the biggest lesson I’ve learnt.

 

So here we are, 6 as a team. We’ve been through shit, but all that shit ended us together. That probably means we’re going to tough up more shit along the way. And that also means we’re going to stick together no matter what. It was wrong of me to say how much I hate it. There were times when I was sad, but I have to honestly say that you guys have given me some of the most fun days in school. I know it can sound hypocritical, but I really love you guys despite the ‘hateful’ words, and pardon me for the things I’ve said. I apologise.

 

I’ve recently heard a voice recording of the last words of a man who was in the twin towers when it collasped on 9/11. The very last words, or so they say.  No more being able to see his faily and friends. No more being tp pursue the dreams he have. Maybe thats what real pain is. So I’ve been thinking it through. I want to be happy now on. Like a friend said, you don’t always get what you want in life. And a ‘stranger’ said, when problems comes, laugh it off. These little pieces of advice have made me see things in a different outlook.

 

So, no more sad Pamela. If you ever see me writing sad stuff online (unless, like hamster dies or something.. NO!!), scold me. Haha! I bet Ray’s going to be good at that. LOL 🙂 From now, I’m going to live everyday as if days are made of gold. They are probably worth more than that, to be exact. I’m going to treasure every moment lived, I’m even going to have fun even when living the worst days of my life. I’m going to love everything I’m doing, and I promise you that.

 

So guys, I know I’ve said things that hurt. I’m really sorry. Lets make things work and give all we can. It’s going to be fun, and we’re going to love every moment of it. It’s going to be hell lots of shit, but we’re going to learn so much, and grow so much. It might just as well be the toughest days in school, but its definitely going to be the best.

 

I was watching Little Miss Sunshine the other day, and there was a quote in it that struck me. Frank, an almost suicide victim, said to Dwayne, a dude who just found out he cannot fly planes because he’s colour blind, said:

“Anyway, he uh… he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, ’cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn’t learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you’re 18… Ah, think of the suffering you’re gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don’t get better suffering than that.”

I’ve summed it up as the years you suffer are probably the years you’re going to treasure and love at the end of the day. And I’m beginning to think its so damn true 🙂

 

Bring it on, the suffering. “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”

 

Visual Frames, lets make some good stuff out of the few months we have left in school. I promise I’ll change. 🙂

 

P.S. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

 

Quote from this scene

 

Little Miss Sunshine is a film that tells you so much about life, it makes you embrace it even in the shittest situations. Love it.

i never knew it could hurt that much

If  I had known humans had the weakness to get hurt, I shouldnt even have started on what would have eventually caused me so much pain. And I’ve realised that the person you trust most and love most are usually the people that turn your life around.

 

People always say, when asked if they would want to turn back time, that they don’t. It I had that choice, I would. I did something some 1 year ago out of ‘moral’ obligations and out of fear. Now, I’m regretting every moment of it. I hate it so much. I want to be somewhere else now. But its far too late. And I cant turn back time, can’t I? And after all I’ve sacrificed, they dont give a damn. All the pain I’ve been through, they don’t know. They don’t want to know. How I’ve spent my birthday this year crying because of THAT. They never bothered. But they took it for granted. They think its just right for me to do so. And now they are happy that their little damn group is a happy little thing on its own. All but 2 people feel the same. And I still can’t believe that they talk bad about people to get what they want. If I was wiser, I shouldnt have trust.

 

But oh well, its a decision I’ve made. I have to make the best out of it don’t I? I love them, I really do. But its just not something my heart wants to do. But now that I’ve made a commitment, I have to stick to it. I have to follow.

 

I hope there are other chances in the future. Please, god. You have denied me many pleasures of life. At least let me make a film I really want to do.

 

I’m hating it so much. I’m hating every moment of my life right now. I’m not hating life. I love life. I just hate the situation I’m in right now.

 

I’m living a regret.

 

I’ll learn not to love anymore.

 

P.S. I thought you were a really good friend, turns out you are not.

 

P.S.S. I’ll learn not to love anymore.

Some people get all they ask for, some don’t even have the rights to beg.

Damn. Why do some people have all they can ever ask for in the world, AND gets the best of both worlds, while some don’t even have the rights to beg?

 

And you can’t get angry, because you don’t even have the rights to do so. (Let’s change the ‘you’ to ‘I’ here…) I mean, I probably don’t have the rights to ask for anything I want for in the world.

 

In chinese, they have a saying: tong ren bu tong ming. It means we’re all humans but each have different fate. And sometimes, when I think how life sucks, I feel embrassed to feel so. There are so much unfortunate people in the world, I should be glad for all I have. Maybe people gets too selfish at times, all they (I) think is myself. Yeah, that perhaps is the case. I should change.

 

Its a miracle even to be living…

 

Adee says she’ll go with me to a mountain (Bukit timah hill) to scream all the troubles away. Can’t wait. Haha!

 

Oh, my Oscar fish, just died 😥 He grew really huge, but suddenly sopped eating. My mom got him new food, he still refuses to eat alot 😦 Sighs.

 

Still can’t find Sweetie. I was at the carpark just now, hoping to see her, somehow. But she did not appear 😥

 

My hamster is sleeping in a little bottle I gave him. I’m so glad to see him using it, don’t know why. Just really happy.. Love him so!

 

Anws, so much happened today. I don’t know why I did what I did. It felt so weird 😦 In front of everyone. Damn. I should have been braver. Sighs…

 

But it made me appreciate my friends so much more, I guess. Adee, who, for some reason, just knew how I felt- so profoundly. Van, who got me a little Johnny Depp moulded sweet dispenser (thanks Van!!!). Adrian, who looked so damn weird and worried for me. Ying, who FB-ed me. Fat, who said little things to me that made me so touched. Those at the audition room who did not probe further about what happened. Duck, who constantly msg me. Huiwen, Cherian, Renee, Siqi, Fatimah (haha!), Jan, Coconut, for the years long friendship and forgiving me when I cant always meet them because of school work (I’m so sorry). Shupig, Qing, Gil… …

 

Friends. They are probably angels sent from heaven. Maybe life don’t suck. These people make my day. I want to keep to my promise of being as good a friend as they are to me…

 

Oh yeah! I had an epiphany. I’ve been struggling so much on the visual look of our short film’s fantasy sequence, and I can’t find a style for it. The digital intermediate of the test footage did not satisfy me. The reds were far too intimaditing, overly bloody and dull. We wanted something less forbolding. It looks cool on its own, but it might just bring across a too serious tone to the film.

So I did research on old Japanese paintings, drawings. We sort of prefered using that as a style for the fantasy sequence of the film and have the hero (main character in the fantasy) stand out in a somewhat Sin City look. Thats an idea, though.

I’m not a huge fan of CG, special effects, etc. I still prefer traditional things you could do in-camera or with simple post effects. Or things done on set. Things so simple but beautiful, and something that NEVER (most importantly) take audiences out of the story. Oh well, thats my view. Somehow it feels like no one (not much) feels the same way… And its always tempting to do something cool and drift away from story-wise. But its an important mistake I can’t afford to make..

 

Anyone with any comments please feel free to share them with me. Love to hear such stuff 🙂

 

P.S. You is relative. Don’t screw it up..

 

http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=stories&init=quick#/StoriesTheFilm?ref=mf

the day you went (flew) away

My bird flew away yesterday, 3rd Oct. She’s a Love Bird, really cute, named Sweetie. I remember the first time I got her, from a shop in Serangoon. Because she was too young, I had to use a syringe and ‘force’ some kind of milk formula down her throat. That’s what people do to young birds. And then she grew up, and she can recognise me. She’ll hop onto my shoulder when I watch TV. She’ll eat her treats off my mouth. She’ll want to bite anyone else but me. It was this like of little bonds we had together.

There was once we put her into a sock and took a photo of it. I still have the photo with me. Makes me smile whenever I see it. Sweetie also loved tissue boxes. She’ll chew everyone up we’ll have to clear up the mess for her. And she’ll mimic everyone’s noise. Like a sneeze, laughter, her name. I love her so much.

Then came the complains. My sister complained that she made too much noise. There was once I was so pissed I took Sweetie out in a small cage at night, and ‘camped’ in a park for hours. It was just me and my bird. 2 of us, sitting in a shelter, stealing glances at one another. How I love her so.

Then, my old neighbor living beside us said that she made too much noise. According to his daughter-in-law, she said he’s sick and needed rest. Sweetie was making far too much noise for him to take his afternoon nap. So Sweetie had to go to my grandparents house. She from then on, she remained there. Damn those neighbours. As if the entire block belonged to them. Damn you all. Time spent with Sweetie became less and less. I’ll go talk to her occasionally. But we live in different house, I had lesser time with her. I’m not finding excuses for myself, but I guess I’m regretting the time I didn’t spend with you, my dear 😦

And then people say its better to let the bird out of the cage. I know they said it with good intentions. But I know she’s going to die out there. A kept bird cannot survive in the wild. Maybe it’s my fault for buying her in the first place. Maybe its my fault for wanting to have a pet. But the fact of the matter is, she’s going to die out there. By leaving the cage, she’s actually ‘seeking’ death.

Sweetie, I miss you, I dont want you to die. I saw your cage today, it looked so strangely empty. The house was weirdly quiet. I miss your loud, sharp chirps. The sound of sticks whenever your little fat body hops onto one of them. Your pure white ring around your eyes. Your beautiful feathers. Your scaly but rubbery legs. That very fit, beautiful body of yours. I love you so much. I’m tearing now, Sweetie. Come back, won’t you? I promise I won’t let you stay somewhere else. I promise you’ll stay at our house forever, even if the nasty neighbour wants you off. I’m sorry, baby. I miss you so much. And I want to hear you chirp again. 😥 What can I do to get you back? We tried finding you at the car park yesterday. You never came.

Well, I guess what have to happen will happen. You’ve got to go, don’t you? In my heart, you don’t. But if nature or fate has a way to work things out, you’ll have to go. Bearing in mind that fate has never been kind to me.

Anws, thanks dear ADEE for calling me when I’m sad. You really cheered me up, and we ended up talking nonsense- nonsense that made sense, that is. 🙂 Thanks Adee. ❤

Aites, tmr is Location Reece. Time to sleep soon 🙂

P.S. You’ll be missed, Sweetie.

In School

I’ve been blogging much too much these days… Don’t know why. Re-read Anne Frank few days back, and she said her diary was her ‘only’ friend. Don’t know how much I can agree with that, but something she said was pretty interesting: Paper has more patience than people. Well, that can sometimes be true to certain extent… But I’ve met wonderful people who are willing to listen. And I kind of figured out something. When a friend is sad, it’s sometimes better to just listen than give countless advice from your POV. Sometimes, all people need is to know that someone is there for them. Sometimes when a friend is sad, all I’d like to do is hold her hand 🙂

Oh Duck, if you ever see this, study hard ok! Don’t waste a year of your time.. You have me behind you!! ❤

Anws I’m in school now. Adrian and Kelvin has gone to print stuff for ibp.. So its now Rein and I.. 🙂 Just killing some time after a pretty tiring morning practicing my camera moves..

They say practice makes perfect. I chose to believe it’s true. Sometimes it gets tiring, and you don’t see results. But I’ve got to constantly remind myself that the more effort you’ve out in, the more you’re gonna get out of it. Patience- oh how important.

Aites, back to work 🙂 Oh, I almost forgot, I have family dinner tonight. Like the entire family kind of thing. I bet it’s going to be fun, but pretty boring at times. Sigh.

And my grandfather is sick.. his stomach isn’t feeling too well, all I’m hoping is that there’s nothing serious, and he’ll get well soon. I love him so much ❤

P.S. If I had 2 choices, at least I have to choose 1 of them. Now, I have none.

P.S.S Sorry about the ‘angsty’ post few days back. Was feeling pretty down.

1st and 3rd generation <3
1st and 3rd generation ❤