You’re the honey to my green tea (winks)

This week has been a really though one, with my favorite pets dying, family quarrels and all, but thank you for being there for me.

 

Thank you for helping me think in perspective and realise that I am not always right.

Thank you for stopping me do rash things.

Thank you for giving in to be because you know I’m in a bad mood. Actually, thank you for ALWAYS giving in to me :’) I know, boy, I know.

Thank you for showing me that you care even when I’m in my deepest hellhole. I really needed it. Thank you for the hugs, the peck on my cheek, the drying of my tears and the holding of my hand. You showed me that I’m not alone in this world although it seems like I am. You helped me through this, and I wouldn’t have gone through this like I did without you.

Thank you for showing me how to love my family more.

Thank you, most importantly, for being you. The irritating, mischievous, disgusting, yet sensitive, loving and caring you.

 

You’ve been making those funny noise with your throat these days cause it’s probably dry and itchy. You have no idea how much it irritates me, but the moment you stop, I realised that I find the sound so funny and cute that I actually missed it.

 

You like to push and drag me along with our hands when we’re walking, and it irritates me. I told you how much I hated it. But sometimes when I am daydreaming, I laugh at you doing it, and I miss holding your hands again 🙂

 

I always get pissed and sad when I lose to you at PS3 NBA games, which is all the time, but after we stop, I feel like playing with you again, and losing to you. I don’t know why. I mean, I wanna win, but it’s funny how I always lose.

 

I whine when you are playing your computer games and ignore me, but I actually like that you are like a boy, so engrossed in your games. And I like that you enjoy time by yourself, that you don’t rely on me to be happy. You’re a man after all, and I really admire you for that. (That doesnt mean you can use this as an excuse hehehe!!!)

 

I complain that you’re not romantic, but I really love you like this. This straightforward, ‘squarehead’ boy, cause you’re honest, and sincere, and when you do something little and random to surpirse me, I treasure such moments more. I asked you if we could ride on a horse by the seaside someday and you just stared at me and say I’m crazy. I asked if you’d fly to the moon with me, you said “No. You know how ex not?” I asked when you’ll give me my first flower and you’ll purposely change the topic in my awareness. You said you wont buy me any more stuff toys, but you made me one. You made it. You said you won’t see the huge christmas tree at Vivo with me, but when we visited it, you load a photo of a mistletoe with your phone and we kissed under it.

 

You dont’t know how much I love you. I’ll “walk 500 miles for you”. Ok, I’m the romantic, you’re the practical one, but opposite attracts, no? We fulfill each other like this, and you make me so happy.

 

I’m sorry it seems like I don’t trust you sometimes, it’s not that I don’t, but I’m scared that once I ‘let my guards down’, I’ll end up really hurt. But I’m getting there, boy, I can see that I am. A little further and we’re free. I promise.

 

Looking forward to a new year with you. And so so much more.

Can’t say goodbye yet

I foresee myself sobbing like a fool once I finish writing this post, and I’m really tired of crying, but I can’t find another way of dealing with the pain inside.

Great, I’m already tearing.

26 December is traditionally known as Boxing Day. Thats when people wake up to open presents and enjoy a pleasant surprise. This year’s Boxing Day is going to change my Christmas for a long, long time. Possibly forever.

I woke up that day to a surprise, but it wasn’t a pleasant one. My mom rushed into my room to tell me that Natalie, our 9 year old Netherland Dwarf is very sick, and she might leave us anytime. Surprise, surprise. I rushed down to grandma’s (where Nat stays) without even washing up, and I saw my Aunt (Nat’s ‘mother’) and sis sitting beside Nat. Nat was lying down side ways, a position we have never seen her in since she was diagnosed with a tumor in her womb this Jan. But her legs were stretched, and her arms were limp. She looks really weak. Before I actually saw her, I thought that she might be just a little weaker than usual. But when I saw her at that moment, I knew that this was it. It’s time for her to reside in Bunny Heaven. I hurriedly sat beside her and let her smell me before petting her…

In less than 30 seconds of this precious time, Nat suddenly stretched in a painful manner, like she was gagging, like she was running out of air, out of time. She seemed to be in pain momentarily, then she took her last breath, and her body went stiff. There was no longer the weak up-down movement from her chest. It was over.

She is gone.

The three of us had our hands on her when she left us in peace. Her soul almost literally slip through our palms and drifted away.

Natalie outlived her illness for almost 11 months. The Vet told us that we should expect her to pass on this Feb. She survived till December. She’s the strong one, she fought for her life. This being said, we really got to credit my Aunt for Nat’s miracle. My Aunt took care of Nat like she was a baby, feeding her her meds regularly and washing up after her. The prayers probably worked.

But still, Nat is gone. 9 years of joy she has given us, and we cannot thank her more.

We sent her for cremation and her ashes will be scattered out in the sea. She’s free now, no more pain. Natalie, you don’t have to take those medicine anymore. You won’t feel pain anymore. Cause you’re in a better place now. I’ll visit you, ok? I promise I’ll take a trip down to the beach, just to say hello.

I went home and painted a portrait of her. It made me feel beter. I thought of her in every stroke of the brush.

My painting of Natalie

The next day, 27th Dec, I was at Dayl’s place. We were watching a comedy when I suddenly burst out crying. I don’t know why, but I missed Natalie. It was embarrassing since his younger brother was there, but I really couldn’t control my years. But this was not the point I’m continuing my post.

When I was crying, I suddenly thought of August, my 2 years 5 months Syrian Hamster. She has been sick too, and I was suddenly worried for her. I texted Mommy to help me feed her and that I’ll be home early just to accompany her.

I got home earlier than usual and went for dinner at grandma’s. Mommy called me to tell me that my sis discovered that August has passed away, too. Dayl and I rushed up to see her.

August was gone too.

Her body was in a position similar to Natalie’s. Lying on the side. I took comfort that she looked peaceful and rested. I was heartbroken and wanted to cry so badly. I needed to get the emotions off my chest. But I couldn’t cry. My eyes literally felt like it was dry of tears. I guess my body’s tired too.

Dayl was sweet enough to bury August with me. We took a spade and 2 orchard flowers from my grandma. I placed the flowers with August in her little grave. And like this, she was gone too.

August, no more pain. You’re free now, in Hammie Heaven. You’ve been a great pal, and I love you.

It’s hard to forget, you know?

After Dayl left, I packed up and then suddenly sobbed like a fool. I’m glad Mommy was there to comfort me. It was so pain inside, to lose 2 friends I love..

Oh god, you have no idea how much I miss them right now.

I’m sorry I got to end this long post so abruptly. I’m so tired right now, I really can’t think.

But I cannot let go, not just yet.

Natalie and August, we love you.

When she was young. Portrait painted with this photo

Cute little paws

Uncle made this in memory. Sorry for posing a picture like this (passed away Nat)

August fits in my palms!

A darling, isnt she

New Year Resolutions

New year resolutions usually don’t work for me. Those slips of paper usually end up between books, under my stationaries or in the trash. So, unlike many other years, I’m not gonna make a new year resolution this year. I’m gonna make a list. More like a reminder, really. Just an informal one. Truth is, I just need to get some things off my chest.

 

1. Do not quarrel with my sister. I did something really wrong today, and I’ll probably live in guilt the next 3 days, so I want to stop being mean and love her as a sister should.

 

2. Spend more time with my friends. None of my closer friends are in NTU, most of them are in Chapman and NUS, so it’s definitely harder to catch up as compared to the good old days when we see each other almost every other day. I want to commit to them, meet them whenever I can. Friends are for live. They need you, and vice versa, so it’s really important to keep these relationships alive.

 

3. Do not do things on impulse. This year made me realise that sometimes, ok- most of the times, I say things on impulse. Especially when I am angry or feeling vulnerable. I am quick to blame and slow to reflect. And I need to change that. In this case, opposite works best. It appears that whenever I am unhappy, I say mean things. Things that wouldn’t help in whatever situation, and things that will do no good but hurt the relationship. I recall more than a dozen incidents when I dont think before I speak, only to regret it later on.

And there was this one day when I felt really upset about something, and really felt like voicing it out. But, out of love, trust and a desire to show understanding to someone I love, I kept those ‘harsh’ and undesirable words to myself. And about half an hour later, I felt so much better. I managed to reason with myself, and tell myself that it is alright. It is ok to _____, and there is nothing I should be upset about. Everything went well after that, I felt better, and I probably made the situation better by doing nothing but to trust.

So keeping certain unnecessarily emotions to myself would probably work. I hope I am not causing my feelings to become numb and emotionless, but am learning to contain certain emotions that are based on rashness rather than logic.

 

4. Be a more understanding girlfriend. Yes yes, Dayl is always saying I am demanding and have to have things ‘my way’. I always like to believe it is not true, but for the benefit of the doubt, I shall add this to my list. It’s very difficult to tell myself things are ‘gonna be alright’, ‘I’m thinking too much’ and ‘stop this’. Because it is simply not who I am.

The past semester has been a mental hell. It was so difficult and torturous. I dont wish to relive it again next semester, and the next many semesters. It was hell, really. I hated it. And without your help, I’m never gonna go through this. I want to go to school happy, both you and I, knowing that everything IS REALLY OKAY. That I am not telling myself things I wanna hear just to get my by my day. I need truths. Not even white lies are gonna make me feel any better. Just plain truths. Sincerity. Love.

I know I’m gonna make it eventually. Someday, I’ll find the light at the end of the tunnel. But until that day comes, please hold on to my hand. Whisper to my ears. Pat me on my shoulders. I need all the encouragement and trust I could possibly get. That day might not be near, but I’m trying so damn hard to get there.

Anyway, I really got to keep calm and stay col next semester. We both got to study and I cannot be in the way of our grades, and possibly our future. I got to do what a girlfriend should do. A responsible and understanding girlfriend.

 

Thats all for now, I’ll probably add to my list once I can think of anything else.

 

On a side note, today has been a PERFECT day. Christmas meals/outings need not necessarily be cuisine and party. Today, Dayl and I spent an afternoon in his place, playing video games, watching movies while having lunch, and cooking maggie mee for dinner! We didnt spend more than 10 bucks, but we had a jolly good time. I love cooking with him, really. But someone has to spill the soup and who else had to clean it up but me 😛 But it was fun. Watching movies on HBO while having our maggie mee and tuna, and debating over which channel was better. Then watching him play PS3- I am more satisfied just watching. It’s actually so much more fun! (Damn, Im craving a game of NBA now) I wish to spend a lifetime of some weekends like this in the future. Could this be my christmas wish?

 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (Resolution)

You’re Beautiful

First, Merry Christmas everyone!!! It’s a jolly holiday and may you all enjoy every moment of this 🙂

 

I was clearing my wardrobe recently when I found a cute little survey my girl friends and I did when we were in secondary school. The survey contains silly girly questions like who do we think will get married first, who will have the most kids, who will have the most number of boyfriends before they get married, etc. I suppose we didnt take these questions too seriously- they were done in the name of fun after all.

 

There was one question that I took really lightly last time, but see it in a slightly different light now that my life has changed quite some bit. The question was: Whose husband will be the most handsome?

 

Being shy, ‘humble’ asians, we were taught not to show off or be proud since young (a very good trait, really. But sometimes misinterpreted by the followers themselves.) Most of us would put our future ‘spouse’ as the least handsome, paring the prettiest girl with the most handsome ‘future husband’. I might have done that in the past, but when I did my survey now, I very ‘thickskinnly’ vote myself as the girl who would marry the most handsome man in the future.

 

Why?

 

Shouldn’t one be proud to be marrying/dating (lets use a less serious word here) the person they love? And also proud of the way he/she looks? See him/her as the most beautiful person on earth, and feeling so lucky to be chosen by that someone? It’s actually a very simple thought. Not to be proud about your partner, but to be proud of him/her. To see him/her in a way no one else can, and to love him/her more than anyone (except parents) else in this world can ever do so. To be able to sing “I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else but you.”

 

So next time, when someone asks if your boyfriend or girlfriend is handsome or pretty, don’t say “No lah, ok ok only…”. Say “Yes.” in pride and love. That’s what your special someone would love to hear, and thats probably what you yourself would want to hear too.

 

I am more proud than ever to say that my boyfriend is the most charming, handsome and beautiful man in the world. Yes, he is.

 

My silly survey doers ❤

 

Friends since Secondary (Some since primary)

 

My handsome boy. And not ashamed to say it.

Too much blogging today

I don’t know why am I blogging so much today, but I just wanna say…

Love comes in all form, and I’m happy I’m feeling it strongest when I’m with you.

Love is strongest when you're by my side

I enjoy every moment I share with you, even when I am sad. They say ‘married couples’ know what is it like to love someone even when you hate him/her. Though I dont feel 100% like this (yet), I dare admit to myself and say “I really love him” even when I am angry sometimes. You’ve been terribly supportive and encouraging, loving and caring. You’re the best, the one for me. Am I the one for you too? (I already know 🙂 )

P.S. I love lunches/dinners with your family.

Rid me of this pain while we still can

While its a stress free holiday now, rid me of these pain. These discomfort, these uncertainty.

 

I dont want to feel the churning of my stomach and the constant fears anymore. The feeling is so bad, sometimes I feel like gagging. I hate it so much, hate it, hate it, hate it.

 

Will you help me? Would you? In whatever ways possible. I’ve tried so hard, I still am.