New year resolutions usually don’t work for me. Those slips of paper usually end up between books, under my stationaries or in the trash. So, unlike many other years, I’m not gonna make a new year resolution this year. I’m gonna make a list. More like a reminder, really. Just an informal one. Truth is, I just need to get some things off my chest.
1. Do not quarrel with my sister. I did something really wrong today, and I’ll probably live in guilt the next 3 days, so I want to stop being mean and love her as a sister should.
2. Spend more time with my friends. None of my closer friends are in NTU, most of them are in Chapman and NUS, so it’s definitely harder to catch up as compared to the good old days when we see each other almost every other day. I want to commit to them, meet them whenever I can. Friends are for live. They need you, and vice versa, so it’s really important to keep these relationships alive.
3. Do not do things on impulse. This year made me realise that sometimes, ok- most of the times, I say things on impulse. Especially when I am angry or feeling vulnerable. I am quick to blame and slow to reflect. And I need to change that. In this case, opposite works best. It appears that whenever I am unhappy, I say mean things. Things that wouldn’t help in whatever situation, and things that will do no good but hurt the relationship. I recall more than a dozen incidents when I dont think before I speak, only to regret it later on.
And there was this one day when I felt really upset about something, and really felt like voicing it out. But, out of love, trust and a desire to show understanding to someone I love, I kept those ‘harsh’ and undesirable words to myself. And about half an hour later, I felt so much better. I managed to reason with myself, and tell myself that it is alright. It is ok to _____, and there is nothing I should be upset about. Everything went well after that, I felt better, and I probably made the situation better by doing nothing but to trust.
So keeping certain unnecessarily emotions to myself would probably work. I hope I am not causing my feelings to become numb and emotionless, but am learning to contain certain emotions that are based on rashness rather than logic.
4. Be a more understanding girlfriend. Yes yes, Dayl is always saying I am demanding and have to have things ‘my way’. I always like to believe it is not true, but for the benefit of the doubt, I shall add this to my list. It’s very difficult to tell myself things are ‘gonna be alright’, ‘I’m thinking too much’ and ‘stop this’. Because it is simply not who I am.
The past semester has been a mental hell. It was so difficult and torturous. I dont wish to relive it again next semester, and the next many semesters. It was hell, really. I hated it. And without your help, I’m never gonna go through this. I want to go to school happy, both you and I, knowing that everything IS REALLY OKAY. That I am not telling myself things I wanna hear just to get my by my day. I need truths. Not even white lies are gonna make me feel any better. Just plain truths. Sincerity. Love.
I know I’m gonna make it eventually. Someday, I’ll find the light at the end of the tunnel. But until that day comes, please hold on to my hand. Whisper to my ears. Pat me on my shoulders. I need all the encouragement and trust I could possibly get. That day might not be near, but I’m trying so damn hard to get there.
Anyway, I really got to keep calm and stay col next semester. We both got to study and I cannot be in the way of our grades, and possibly our future. I got to do what a girlfriend should do. A responsible and understanding girlfriend.
Thats all for now, I’ll probably add to my list once I can think of anything else.
On a side note, today has been a PERFECT day. Christmas meals/outings need not necessarily be cuisine and party. Today, Dayl and I spent an afternoon in his place, playing video games, watching movies while having lunch, and cooking maggie mee for dinner! We didnt spend more than 10 bucks, but we had a jolly good time. I love cooking with him, really. But someone has to spill the soup and who else had to clean it up but me 😛 But it was fun. Watching movies on HBO while having our maggie mee and tuna, and debating over which channel was better. Then watching him play PS3- I am more satisfied just watching. It’s actually so much more fun! (Damn, Im craving a game of NBA now) I wish to spend a lifetime of some weekends like this in the future. Could this be my christmas wish?
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (Resolution)