Can’t say goodbye yet

I foresee myself sobbing like a fool once I finish writing this post, and I’m really tired of crying, but I can’t find another way of dealing with the pain inside.

Great, I’m already tearing.

26 December is traditionally known as Boxing Day. Thats when people wake up to open presents and enjoy a pleasant surprise. This year’s Boxing Day is going to change my Christmas for a long, long time. Possibly forever.

I woke up that day to a surprise, but it wasn’t a pleasant one. My mom rushed into my room to tell me that Natalie, our 9 year old Netherland Dwarf is very sick, and she might leave us anytime. Surprise, surprise. I rushed down to grandma’s (where Nat stays) without even washing up, and I saw my Aunt (Nat’s ‘mother’) and sis sitting beside Nat. Nat was lying down side ways, a position we have never seen her in since she was diagnosed with a tumor in her womb this Jan. But her legs were stretched, and her arms were limp. She looks really weak. Before I actually saw her, I thought that she might be just a little weaker than usual. But when I saw her at that moment, I knew that this was it. It’s time for her to reside in Bunny Heaven. I hurriedly sat beside her and let her smell me before petting her…

In less than 30 seconds of this precious time, Nat suddenly stretched in a painful manner, like she was gagging, like she was running out of air, out of time. She seemed to be in pain momentarily, then she took her last breath, and her body went stiff. There was no longer the weak up-down movement from her chest. It was over.

She is gone.

The three of us had our hands on her when she left us in peace. Her soul almost literally slip through our palms and drifted away.

Natalie outlived her illness for almost 11 months. The Vet told us that we should expect her to pass on this Feb. She survived till December. She’s the strong one, she fought for her life. This being said, we really got to credit my Aunt for Nat’s miracle. My Aunt took care of Nat like she was a baby, feeding her her meds regularly and washing up after her. The prayers probably worked.

But still, Nat is gone. 9 years of joy she has given us, and we cannot thank her more.

We sent her for cremation and her ashes will be scattered out in the sea. She’s free now, no more pain. Natalie, you don’t have to take those medicine anymore. You won’t feel pain anymore. Cause you’re in a better place now. I’ll visit you, ok? I promise I’ll take a trip down to the beach, just to say hello.

I went home and painted a portrait of her. It made me feel beter. I thought of her in every stroke of the brush.

My painting of Natalie

The next day, 27th Dec, I was at Dayl’s place. We were watching a comedy when I suddenly burst out crying. I don’t know why, but I missed Natalie. It was embarrassing since his younger brother was there, but I really couldn’t control my years. But this was not the point I’m continuing my post.

When I was crying, I suddenly thought of August, my 2 years 5 months Syrian Hamster. She has been sick too, and I was suddenly worried for her. I texted Mommy to help me feed her and that I’ll be home early just to accompany her.

I got home earlier than usual and went for dinner at grandma’s. Mommy called me to tell me that my sis discovered that August has passed away, too. Dayl and I rushed up to see her.

August was gone too.

Her body was in a position similar to Natalie’s. Lying on the side. I took comfort that she looked peaceful and rested. I was heartbroken and wanted to cry so badly. I needed to get the emotions off my chest. But I couldn’t cry. My eyes literally felt like it was dry of tears. I guess my body’s tired too.

Dayl was sweet enough to bury August with me. We took a spade and 2 orchard flowers from my grandma. I placed the flowers with August in her little grave. And like this, she was gone too.

August, no more pain. You’re free now, in Hammie Heaven. You’ve been a great pal, and I love you.

It’s hard to forget, you know?

After Dayl left, I packed up and then suddenly sobbed like a fool. I’m glad Mommy was there to comfort me. It was so pain inside, to lose 2 friends I love..

Oh god, you have no idea how much I miss them right now.

I’m sorry I got to end this long post so abruptly. I’m so tired right now, I really can’t think.

But I cannot let go, not just yet.

Natalie and August, we love you.

When she was young. Portrait painted with this photo

Cute little paws

Uncle made this in memory. Sorry for posing a picture like this (passed away Nat)

August fits in my palms!

A darling, isnt she

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