I can handle the truth

I just wish to know everything there is to know. Every little details, every little secrets. I think I can handle the truth, cause I hate to be lied to.

 

Dont protect my feelings, dont protect me.

 

Just the truth, straight on. And nothing else.

 

Because I cannot bear to live in the unknown. Please, just say?

Far from imagined

Sometimes I think too much, especially when I am alone.

But reality is far from imagined. Perhaps things are really much simpler? Perhaps.

 

It’s so difficult to move on. To forget about the past and live in the present. But I guess I can only try.

 

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

 

Worst of all, I don’t even know why.

Pets are my remedy

Using August’s tank, my late hamster’s tank, as a home for my guppies reminds me of her each time I look at time. But it’s good, I don’t feel sad, instead, I feel that her passing have led to the springing of new lives. Happy guppies living with a school of friends. I remember the fun I had with her instead of the pain of seeing her go. Just and few days ago, I teared again while looking at her photographs. But one has got to be positive and move on…

Seeing my newts and feeding them also help me forget the troubles and fustrations inside. I momentarily forget the issues I am dealing with and channel my energy to something a whole lot more cheerful.

Thank you, pets, for providing me with so much leisure. I hope I have been a good owner, as much as you have been great companions.

There is always a mountain taller than the other (Chinese idiom)

There is always going to be another girl prettier than you. 

There will always be another girl who has smoother hair, clearer skin, bigger eyes, or a sharper nose than you. This is a fact, a hard truth. But everyone is different, and perhaps instead of spending time worrying about how you look, you can build up whats inside. Cause it is whatever that is inside of you that matters, and it is your characteristic that will never fade with time.

 

If you want to be loved, be a good person inside. 

 

Facing these insecurities isn’t easy. They make me pain inside, they make me afraid, they cause my to loose my appetite and spoil my mood. Like a roller coaster ride, cept it goes on and on forever and thus it is not fun.

 

I keep worrying, and wondering if ‘I am good enough’. What if I am not smart enough, or pretty, or funny, or cheerful enough. Will you love me less? Will you leave me for someone who can fill up the imperfections of me? I doubt myself, then, you make me realise that such actions shows you that I doubt you too. And if I don’t love myself, who will love me? And if I dont trust you, how can you trust that I can give you happiness too?

 

Lets put it like this. I keep saying that I’ll change, and that I promise you that such things wont happen again. Although I fall short of my promise, you continued to trust and support me. If you had doubt me and said: Please, how can I trust you if you keep failing?, I wouldn’t have had so much courage to continue to be a better person. I have disappointed you yet you still trust in me. You did not betray me, yet I show you that I dont trust you. This isn’t fair, now, is it? No.. And I am being selfish and unfair here. But you didn’t leave me. Isn’t this the perfect love I’ve always been seeking? And instead of treasuring it, I give you more problems. I shouldn’t. I need to work on becoming a better person and a better girlfriend.

 

I am sorry I broke your heart. I am sorry for being like this. I cannot promise that I can change as fast as hamsters breed, but I will keep trying, till I succeed. Please hang in there, boyfriend. Just a little bit more, and we are free. I want a simple life too, as much as you do, and I will not do anything to complicate it.

 

I trust you. But perhaps I got to start trusting myself first. 

 

You’re always in my mind.