Time Out :)

Today, we played bball together. Just the 2 of us. Not the usual thing a couple does, but we were bored, had some time to kill, so hey, why not?

 

And I loved to play bball with you. I know, I sucked at it, and you’re pretty damn good. But it was nice, playing with you- though I had to run around the court like a silly horse and do 10 jumping jacks cause I lost 2 bets..

 

But today, you made me fall in love with you all over again.

 

When we first met and had our first date, we were complete strangers. I mean, we met once (another time a really brief moment) and texted quite a lot before you asked me out. But we went on a date, knowing its some what a romantic dinner and all (ok, I wasnt that sure cause I’ve never done any of these before…). But we went on a date-date. Didn’t start out as friends in the beginning.. Although we’ve become best friends over the months..

 

But today, when we played ball together, it felt as if I was talking and fooling around with you like you are a friend. Not so much of a boyfriend, but like a friend. And it’s a really great feeling, because I get a sneak peek of what kind of friend you are- from a first person pov. Not from what I hear from your friends, or what I see you when you’re with your friends (you’re pretty much the same person though, thank god). But as your ‘friend’.

 

And you know, if you weren’t my boyfriend, I’d totally have a crush on you after today..

 

I dont know why.. Maybe it’s refreshing, maybe it’s something new… I really dont know. But I guess I’m glad that our relationship has gone to a level where we can call each other best friends, not just lover. And I’m glad that if given the choice, I’ll still fall in love with you.

 

Hmm, this thought just struck me. I guess this was an amazing feeling because when we first went on our date, we already had in mind that this was going to be something romantic.. Not like how friends go out to chill (ok, fine, tease me if you will because I didn’t know that our first date was in fact a date. Everyone’s laughing at me because of that… Oh well.) But I mean, we didn’t quite start off as friends.. It’s a pretty huge step to take, I have to admit, though we come out just fine 🙂 But seeing you in a different way today makes me see you as a guy friend. And I’m over the moon because I like seeing you like that too. Ok, Im getting naggy here, but I’m really excited.

 

So here we are, 1 year and 3 months into the relationship. Soul mates, best friends, lovers.

 

You’re great.

 

Except when you lost your temper, haha. And do disgusting stuff. And dont allow me to whine and complain. And argue with me. And is the least romantic guy ever…

 

But still ❤

Heh 🙂 I’m happy today.

 

P.S. Something I’d love to remember: You wanted to ‘cool down’ after your match with some strangers, and I didn’t let you go (hey, you didnt tell me it was a cool down, you just said you wanted to do some free-throws) because we were late for dinner already. We had this really random short ‘argument’. Then you headed towards the court and said: I could have spent this time quarreling to do my free-throws, and we’d be over by now. I was kinda frustrated cause I waited an entire hour for you during your match (ok im exaggerating, as I always am.. 40 mins, how ’bout that), and you still wanted to play more- again, I must clarify I didnt know it was a warm down! Then, you finally said something about it being a warm down- still didn’t make me any less angry. But when you were off doing your free throw and stuff, I just thought about the thing you said, spending time quarreling and stuff, and just laughed to myself.. It’s funny how we argue over such matters. We weren’t really mad and pissed and all, just arguing. And it’s cute and funny this way. Then, I suddenly got angry, and then, I laughed again. Don’t even know why.. I mean, it’s really funny, haha 🙂 Oh, you’re a fool.. >.< We both are

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Take Me Away… …

Take me some where, where I have no worries of this world. Let me be free, away from the bottomless pit of hell. I always wanted to be away, free. No more troubles and worries… I ask you to bring me to places where I can find joy, places which scream of freedom, where I won’t be stressed anymore. And then, I realised that freedom and happiness is right beside me all along.

 

Being beside you makes me truly happy- well, not all the time. You make me sad sometimes, angry and frustrated… Sometimes I wish you weren’t here, because without you, I wouldn’t have to face all these mess. And then I thought, what would I do without you? Would I be any happier without you around? The answer is simple. A straight No.

 

I cannot find security anywhere, but with you. I cannot experience happiness when you’re not here to enjoy it with me. Most importantly, I cannot feel love without knowing that you loved me first…

 

While it is not easy, I want to put all these confusion and frustration aside. Everything else is secondary, really. Let me focus on us. Then maybe I can truly be free.

 

P.S. I want to bring my entire family to ECP again soon. Grandpa, grandma, daddy, mummy, EE, mei and myself. It has been too long since we enjoyed time together as a family.. Sorry I have been facing some troubles lately, let me get back on my feet and I’ll be home again.. As in, not literally.. but you know what I mean..

Nobody likes to be lied to

Everyone hates lies… We hate it when people lie to us because we feel betrayed. But sometimes, we lie to ourselves so that we’ll feel better. But a lie is still a lie… …

You got to protect yourself when no one else is here to protect you.

And I realise that caring less also makes one hurt less. Although I said that I’ll just do evil things, because doing good doesn’t always mean that good will come back to you (in fact, for my case, doing good still usher bad into my life), but I realise that I still cannot bring myself to being bad.. I tried, but I find myself filled with guilt and regret.

 

I’m not a good person, but it seems that I cant force myself to be bad either. Maybe that makes me an ok person then?

 

But then again, why be good so that the same will befall upon you? Why dont be good just because it’s the right thing to do? It’s sad that when you try so hard to be a nice person, and people don’t appreciate it. They don’t see it, and judge you for the bad you’ve done. And they like someone else better.

 

It makes me want to give up- give up bring good, give up loving and caring.. But I realise that I cant. So, I guess I’ll keep on doing it, until one day, I don’t care anymore. Maybe if I learn not to expect anything then can I be truly happy. I need to be a happier person…

 

P.S. Sorry if I said mean things to you, I guess I was overwhelmed by sorrow and hurt. I dont mean anything of it. And I really appreciate you for sticking by..

Goodbye, lady.

“… and I like less than half of you as well as you deserve.” Bilbo, LOTR.

 

I used to like you so much more than you ‘deserve’, but I guess now I’ll use the statement above to limit the love that I used to willing give away. I’ve tried so hard, maybe too hard. I’ve followed all the rules. I’ve been good, given you so much respect. And above all, I’ve done what I’ve done with utmost sincerity. With so much love and honesty..

 

But I guess you don’t see it. I’m sad, but it’s ok. I’ll move on.

 

But don’t blame me if I love you less. And I will care less, definitely.

 

It’s a defense mechanism..

 

Goodbye, lady. We’ll be seeing less of each other. It’s good news for you, as it is for me.

Giving up doesn’t mean you lose, it just means you’re brave enough to move on…

Sometimes I just want to give up. I dont want to try anymore, I dont want to carry on…

 

I’m tired, because no matter how hard I try, I always end up at ground zero, as if noting has changed, as if nothing has improved.. And even though I do it with utmost sincerity, i still fail. The feeling sucks. It’s like running up an escalator that is heading down. You’ll never reach the top no matter how hard you try.

 

And I’m running out of reserves, I really am.

How’s being unique good?

Society tells us to ‘just be yourself’, but they confine us. Gender roles tell us how a girl should behave, and how a guy should act. Although post-modernism is changing all that, but conformity and tradition still remains.

 

I want to be normal. I’m not saying that I am unique, or one-of-a-kind-so-hey-you-all-should-get-my-autograph fancy. I’m just… different. And it’s bad.

 

Girls grow up playing with Barbie dolls, dressing up as princesses, playing with kitchen sets toys (oh god, I dont even know what are those toys called), and then they grow up to become ladies. Elegant, beautiful ladies. They bake, cook, sew, and play with ponies in the sky.

 

But me? I grew up playing with newts, spiders, snails, caterpillars… I pretented to cut open a small frogs with my cousins just to scare the younger ones. I watch guppies give birth. I breed fighting fishes but unfortunately an epidemic killed them all. I had a lizard pendant hung around my neck till I lost it in the park. I spoon fed a baby Love Bird and watched her grow. I played with guns with my male cousins and pretended that the carpet was a thick forest. I set up stage plays- wrote my own scripts and made my slaves (cousims) act them out for the adults. We even had a ticketing booth. I cried when my pet lobster died. I cried when my hamster got eaten by another evil hamster. I cried when my tortoise died, and hoped that my tear drop would wake up the dead, so I carefully aimed my tear on her shell, and let it fall there. But she didn’t wake up…

 

Once, I was proud of the things I did during my childhood, but now, I am not. I wished I was normal. The only normal thing I did was pretended I am giving birth to a baby, and teach my stuffed animals how to read and write. Oh, I built my own castle out of pillows too, but I wasnt a princess inside, I was defending the tower…

 

I wished I was normal, I wished I did normal things too. And now, I am ashamed to say that I am ashamed of my past. Why cant I just play with barbies, for god’s sake? I dont even own one of those dolls… Who am I, really.

 

Now I grow up to be different. I mean, I look normal, I dress normal. But I’m not, and I’m unhappy. I dont do manicures, I dont own a thousand pairs of shoes, I dont bake or cook, although I’m now trying to learn. I cant even walk on heels, and can trip over them without even wearing them. What a hopeless case of a girl…

 

I’m ashamed of who I am. I don’t want to be me.

 

But this post isn’t just about me. It’s about a guy, too. Probably the only one on earth who’d read this post. But this is about him, too.

 

I don’t scare him off. He’s ok with me keeping frogs and newts as pets. He’s ok if I dont wear dresses. He doesnt like me to wear heels, because they hurt my feet. He dont ask me to put on make up, because he feels that I am beautiful just the way I am. But I look like a toad, and it’s funny because it’s true.

 

Before I met this guy, I hid behind a facade. I dress up as a boy when I go for filming. I say that wearing like this is more comfortable, but thats not the complete truth. First, the industry doesnt recognise girls as DPs, they think that only guys can be a cinematographer, so, I dress up as a guy. Second, I am hiding. I don’t know who am I. I needed a mask, and being a guy means being brave, insensitive, and strong. And I needed to be all of these. I cannot be the real me, because I don’t like who I am. Perhaps my weirdness is made worse because I am a girl, so I try to become a boy, so that I’d be less weird, and I wouldn’t look down on myself that much. But those are just lies… I’m scared. Scared of who I am, and completely ashamed of it. I needed acceptance.

 

And this guy came along. He accepted me for who I am, and he told me that he loved me. Now, I dare to wear dresses (in the past, I’d buy dresses, but I dont wear them at all). I dare to tell him about the things I like, and the things I dont. And he doesn’t blame me for that. I cannot understand how anyone can love me for being like this. Maybe this weirdness and differences seem mild to you, but it’s not for me. It’s affecting me. I so want to be a girl, a 100% of a girl, but I can’t.

 

My friends say I have the looks (haha yeah right who are you kidding) but I lack the elegance, and the girly-girl. They laugh at the things I wear and do. They mean no harm- I truly love my friends and I know they love me too. We tease each other, love to publicise our ugliness to all the friends in the same group, it’s a group thing. And I’m completely fine with that. But that is who I am to them… They accept me, definitely, but that is what they think of me. And that makes me sad. Because that is how the general ‘society’ see me. Not that Im a famous star or whatsoever, but people judge. And this is who I am, to others.

 

And I don’t like who I am…

 

Actually, no. I don’t even know who I am…