Dear Old Self

Dear Old Pam,

 

Sorry I have to let you go. Sorry I have to leave those smiles, those hopes, those confidence, and those dreams. Sorry to let you down. Sorry to kill the child in you.

 

Now, I’m broken. I never thought I was this bad. Never. But now, I dont think I can go back to who I used to be. I probably brought it upon myself, but I’ll never be the same again. I’ll never be happier than I was before. Sorry to disappoint you, Old Pam.

 

First, my looks: I never knew I was that ugly. Fugly. I have white hair, but I always dyed it for myself. Now, I dye it because I’m told its ugly, and I have to see a doctor for that. I have pimples, and I went for facial for myself. But sometimes when the first thing I hear when I first meet you in a day is “woah, your pimples more”, I feel that i need to do something about it. Not for myself- ok maybe for myself, but so that I will not seem so ugly in your eyes. And then, my curly hair. I rebonded it last time because I liked straight hair. But now, I have to do it because I was laughed at. I have eye bags- which I didnt know I had last time, but now, it’s like a defect I have to hide. You mocked me, and made others laugh at me too. Now, I buy $78 eye cream out of my own pocket to hopefully remove them. I changed into contacts after poly because I wanted to. Now, I dont wear specs out because I was told I looked… funny.

 

I don’t want to look funny. Not like I’m not bad enough already.

 

I never felt like I was good enough. I was made to feel unworthy. Now, I can really break anytime. Anytime.

 

And maybe I’m ‘just a student’- young, inexperienced, knowledge-less. It appears to me, now, that the good and successful people dont go to school. I am ashamed to enter school, because I know that I am there because I am not good enough to work yet.

 

I never felt like I will ever be good enough. All those dreams, Old Pam, those dreams that you had. Those hopes- gone. Now, I am just this lowly person, unfit to work, unfit to look good.

 

I am broken. I have been tossed around, thrown and driven on. Now, I cannot be fixed. This is who I am now, this is what I have becomes.

 

Smile- I cannot. Goodbye Old Pam. It was nice knowing you. Here’s to a future I so unknown.

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