LETTER TO THE PAST

Dearest great grandma,

It’s been long since I’ve last seen you. Well, guess I should not ask how are you, because I believe you are in heaven now. It’s a beautiful place isn’t it? And I truly hope to see you one day. It will be a dream come true, right great grandma? We will meet again, I know we will.

In this letter, I guess I’d first like to apologise. When I was very young, and when you still had the energy to scold, I was always irritated by you. Now, I wished you could scold me again. It’s my fault, I know. I’ve been in filial and I am really sorry. Little things, like when you said that my sister’s drawing was nice and did not mention mine, made me jealous and angry. I was ignorant and dumb. Sorry, great grandma, I really am.

When I was frustrated with you, I remember mother would always remind me that you’ve gone through a lot for the family. You’ve been through the war and suffered so much for us. Yet, your useless great granddaughter finds you irritating. Looking back, I regret what I’ve done, and believe me, I really love you deep down inside. The war was a torture wasn’t it? Yet you hang on for us, and you suffered for us. You did everything for us. My dear great grandma, my love for you can never be compared to your boundless love for me.

And when your body began to weaken, I was not really bothered by it. Honestly speaking, I don’t even remember myself praying regularly for you. Is it too late to apologise? I am truly sorry. You have been weak for quite some time and it pains to see you suffer. Your swollen feet and blurred vision was a torture, right? If only I could bear some of the pain for you, I would gladly do so.

Great grandma, there is a deep secret inside me that I haven’t told anyone about. Perhaps it’s time to say. When grandma broke the news that you have left this world for another one, I smiled. How can this be true? I actually smiled in a situation like this. Great grandma, are you mad at me? But the thought of you, leaving this world for a better one, made me glad. The thought of you, freed form all the physical sufferings, made me relieved. That’s why I smiled. I was happy for you, but was I wrong to do so?

But, you know, I really want to thank you for doing all that you did. Great grandpa died in the war and it must have been tough for you all these years. I’ve never gotten the chance or courage to tell you this when you were alive, but it’s not too late for regrets now right? Great grandma, thank you.

I still remember a particular day years ago- it was raining heavily and you immediately went to keep the clothes that were put up to sun. Sister and I ran to hug you and at that time, it may seem that we were afraid of the rain. But, to tell you a secret, I went to hug you because I’ve always wanted to. I loved you so, but it seems weird to just hug you like that, right? The rain came in just the right moment, so that I could give you a hug. Can you remember that day great grandma? Because I can, and I always will.

I know that there’s nothing I can do to make it up for you or show my gratitude, but I promise, I’ll be a filial daughter and granddaughter. Your departure made me realise how precious this family is to me and how have I ignorantly taken my family for granted. And if God-willing that I have kids in future, I want to be a mother like you. You selflessly and lovingly nurture your children, my grandmother, granduncles and grandaunts.

I am sorry for all the wrong that I’ve done against you and your great granddaughter humbly thanks you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, and I love you.

P.S. I hold on to the day when we can meet again.

With love,
Your great granddaughter
Pamela Soh

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3 thoughts on “LETTER TO THE PAST

  1. Sometimes the writing experience can be healing in itself, giving you the opportunity not only to paint a world for your readers, but release some emotion and guilt locked up inside. I hope that was the case for you here.

  2. Let me share with you a secret too. That morning when grandma, or your great grandma passed on, I was at church service and there was a deep joy and thankfulness in my spirit during the worship. I didn’t know why but I soon found out from ma (your grandma)that great grandma went back to the Lord at about the same time that I was feeling the the great joy and thankfulness to the Lord… I believe it is no coincidence, but the Lord revealing that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD…Her children and grandchildren had been praying for her salvation, and the Lord answered our prayers. By the grace of God, greatgrandma experienced the GREAT LOVE and POWER of GOD in her eighties, and came to accept Jesus as her savior a few years before her death. She is safe in the arm of the Lord. That little secret smile and joy in the spirit I believe is from the Lord assuring us that Greatgrandma is with Him and is experiencing something better than waht she has, and we are thankful to the Lord for. Therefore we can smile : )

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