Dear Old Self

Dear Old Pam,

 

Sorry I have to let you go. Sorry I have to leave those smiles, those hopes, those confidence, and those dreams. Sorry to let you down. Sorry to kill the child in you.

 

Now, I’m broken. I never thought I was this bad. Never. But now, I dont think I can go back to who I used to be. I probably brought it upon myself, but I’ll never be the same again. I’ll never be happier than I was before. Sorry to disappoint you, Old Pam.

 

First, my looks: I never knew I was that ugly. Fugly. I have white hair, but I always dyed it for myself. Now, I dye it because I’m told its ugly, and I have to see a doctor for that. I have pimples, and I went for facial for myself. But sometimes when the first thing I hear when I first meet you in a day is “woah, your pimples more”, I feel that i need to do something about it. Not for myself- ok maybe for myself, but so that I will not seem so ugly in your eyes. And then, my curly hair. I rebonded it last time because I liked straight hair. But now, I have to do it because I was laughed at. I have eye bags- which I didnt know I had last time, but now, it’s like a defect I have to hide. You mocked me, and made others laugh at me too. Now, I buy $78 eye cream out of my own pocket to hopefully remove them. I changed into contacts after poly because I wanted to. Now, I dont wear specs out because I was told I looked… funny.

 

I don’t want to look funny. Not like I’m not bad enough already.

 

I never felt like I was good enough. I was made to feel unworthy. Now, I can really break anytime. Anytime.

 

And maybe I’m ‘just a student’- young, inexperienced, knowledge-less. It appears to me, now, that the good and successful people dont go to school. I am ashamed to enter school, because I know that I am there because I am not good enough to work yet.

 

I never felt like I will ever be good enough. All those dreams, Old Pam, those dreams that you had. Those hopes- gone. Now, I am just this lowly person, unfit to work, unfit to look good.

 

I am broken. I have been tossed around, thrown and driven on. Now, I cannot be fixed. This is who I am now, this is what I have becomes.

 

Smile- I cannot. Goodbye Old Pam. It was nice knowing you. Here’s to a future I so unknown.

Don’t Need Much

Walking along the richer estates of my house now… These houses are beautiful. Freshly painted, well-trimed gardens with water features, expensive cars lined up at the porch.

Isn’t this the Singapore dream? Isn’t this what parents send their kids to school for? When people have these, is happiness defined? Are our dreams accomplished?

I don’t know, but when I picture my future, I never quite saw these. I never asked for a huge house. I never drooled over expensive cars. Well, I had my own desires, but I never really asked for them.

I saw a happy family. I see myself waking up beside the person I love. I see myself waking the kids up and rushing them to school. I see myself working at an industry I so love to. I see myself preparing dinner for my husband whenever I had the time to. I see myself struggling to make sure my kids have a comfortable (but not reliant) future. I see myself doing all these with my husband. I see myself struggling to care for my parents and my husband parents.

I never asked for the five big Cs many girls here ask for. I never asked for a rich future. I never wanted to be a tai tai- id rather work my ass off and enjoy the days working outside. Honestly, I never ask for much.

But I don’t know why I can’t find the someone who can give me these little things, yet give me all the love and sincerity possible. Is it really difficult? Has the right one not appeared? Or is God making me wait? I don’t need riches. I don’t want fame and fortune. All I ask for is a simple life with the someone who truly cares. The one who, when I am with, feel more love received then I can ever give. That’s all I ask for. Is that very difficult?

Girls who asked for more get every thing that want, and they demand for even more. Not me, but I don’t have these.

Till such a day come, I won’t be waiting though.. I’ll concentrate on my career. It’s the best thing a girl can secure for herself..

That being said, I still hope that the someone will find me some day. Make me happier than I thought I could ever be.

Interesting Read

http://natepyle.com/confronting-the-lie-god-wont-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle/

 

A very interesting read by Nate Pyle, Confronting the Lie: God won’t give you more than you can handle.

 

I used to love this phrase, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” It gave me strength. It ‘taught’ me that God is putting me through these sufferings because He knows I can handle it. But, the Bible never said it. These words were made by men, and God Himself have warned us that false prophesies will arise. So, what does the Bible have got to say about suffering?

 

For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers and sisters, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead (2 Cor 1:8,9,)

 

God told us that He put us through these sufferings, not because He knows we are strong. He made us suffer, because He wants to teach us to NEED him. When we feel that we can no longer take it, when we feel like we are desperately losing, when we feel sorrowful, helpless and weak, God wants us to wait on Him. He wants us to need him, and He is teaching us faith. He is teaching us that strength comes from above, and when all seems hopeless, we, as humans, can only wait. Wait in faith, knowing that our God is there, and although we will not receive an answer now (or never will), it is by His love and grace that He is putting us through this. Wait for Him to do something, to pick us up and to heal us.

 

I am not saying that we should lie around and wait. But it’s about having the peace in us, that while we struggle, we know He will come. It is about faith.

 

I am experiencing pain. This year isn’t exactly the best year of my life. 2012 ended bad, and 2013 started out worse. I honestly don’t know what God’s plan is for me. Sometimes, I question Him. I question myself- have I done something wrong? I haven’t got an answer from Him. Sometimes, I become impatient. God, what are You putting me through? I don’t know. But He is putting me through suffering not because He knows I can handle it, He is putting me through these, because He is building faith in me. He is making me strong. He is teaching me things I would never know about myself, and things I would never have been able to pull through, if not for our Almighty God.

 

I am not healed. I still need His healing hands. I don’t have the answers, I am still waiting. Sometimes, I get tired. Many times, I become disappointed and I feel like everyone around me is progressing, but not me. Everyone is realizing their dreams, but I am still stuck. I feel in despair. Maybe I made mistakes? Taken paths I shouldn’t have taken? Maybe I am just not cut out for it? God, why am I waiting? What are you keeping me from?

 

I don’t have the answers. I probably won’t have the answers tomorrow. Or the day after. I don’t know when will the truth be out. And it is very, very difficult to say this, but I am waiting. I am taking a step at a time, and I am waiting for God to show me His plan. Because it is His plans that will prosper me. He won’t harm me. So, although I am suffering now, although i feel so useless and hopeless, all I can do is put in my best efforts in what I am doing, and patiently, and faithfully wait.

 

God, I will question you. I will fail, because I am weak. I will feel lousy about myself, and insecure about so many things. I will disappoint you, because I am a sinner. But teach me to wait. Give me patience and faith. Faith that You will bless me with your grace.

I need You, Lord. I cannot do this on my own. After so many years, I am no where. I am lost. But You, my Shepherd, lead me to where I have to be.

 

Patience and faith. Amen.

Being Me.

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I never asked for the world. I just ask to be loved. Someday, you’ll find me.

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Yes girls, act like ladies.

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Don’t hang on to things that are not worth it. More importantly (girl friend, I know you wont see this, but I still got to say) dont hurt yourself over this. Please, dont. I know it’s not easy, just try..