Month: August 2010

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The final stage of post-pain

Numbness. Reaching the state of numbness is like enlightenment. You reach a point where anything else doesn’t matter anymore. The most shocking news, the most painful story, or the most terrifying nightmare. The ‘information’ now just come and go, like any other ordinary fact. Without feeling. Emotionless. The stage of numbness. The most awesome feeling ever. Because whatever comes after no longer brings pain and tears. They bring nothingness.

They don’t hurt you, they don’t make you sad. And that’s good, because after years of trying to cure the pain or overcoming the sorrow, you’ve finally succeeded. You’re ‘strong’, cause nothing hurts anymore. You’re the ‘ultimate’, because no one can bring you pain.

It takes years of training, tears, to reach this stage of numbness. A point where nothing else matters. You want your tears to fall, but nothing triggers pain. You want to scream out anger, but but angst has turned you down. Anything that shouts PAIN is now a OK, COOL. Whatever, I don’t care.

But not everyone can reach this ultimate stage of numbness. It takes a lot of bad luck. Cause that’s when people finally give up already and dont give a  fu*k about feelings anymore. Thats when you reach a point where nothing else matters.

How great is a feeling like this.

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I like it that

I can protect my posts. That way I can write all the stuff that I want to keep myself without worrying that people will read them and judge me. I hate it when you tell friends problems, and they discuss it among themselves. Whats the point in sharing your problems then? Some claim its not gossip, but seriously? C’mon, dont be self denial. 2 types of people i loath are self denial folks and self righteous people.

Its so hard to know someone to can trust completely. (my protected posts will give the full account, heeheehee…) Someone who, even when you tell your inner most thoughts, love you for who you are, and dont go telling others your character/personality, etc. Dont make fun of the things that hurt you, even it being the kind of hair on your head, or your lack of (ahh.. secret).

I’ll defend my friends when people mock them. Or even when they gossip about him/her. I hate it when people talk bad about my friends. If they wern’t considered ‘friends’ I wouldnt care less for them. But once I declare them as ‘friends’, no one’s gonna hurt them. Not the least bit. I dont like taking friends lightly. I’m not saying I’m the perfect friend. I have my flaws, oh, so many of them. I’m just hoping for a friend who will back me up when I need them. I wish to say I have only a handful of them, but honestly, who knows what goes on behind your back? Acts of betrayal happens when to much trust are used we become blind.

I’m not saying not to trust anyone. If you can find someone great, go ahead. Trust them with your life. I’m just saying no friend is perfect, neither am I.

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Strangers says it all

I hate to think that way, but sometimes strangers tell you things that inspire you the most. Not that friends dont, just that sometimes strangers hit it spot on. Not the nicest things you wanna hear, but perhaps the most necessarily. Sometimes, the words can hurt your ego a little, and to the sensitive soul, make you feel really embarrassed, but when you think about it, these words makes the most sense. Helps you move on, gives you some form of encouragement.

And so THANK YOU STRANGERS! If only we could be friends! 🙂

Sometimes, the happiest parts of my day are spent day-dreaming. Thinking what would it be like if… and if… and if… If only my life were as exciting as my fantasy. Haha! Not that I’m not trying, some things just cant be forced. I cant force it. It’s bad. And it’s going to hurt way more than just leaving it as it is. Pride and all.

But oh well, tis feeling’s numb already, maybe it’s a good thing. Yeah, perhaps it is. It’s better not to feel anything than sadness, no? I like it, I guess. The none existence of feelings. The part where ‘I dont care’ makes so much sense and everything seem simpler. It’s ok to me. I’d rather that than feel the sorrow. Cheers to a better tomorrow! I guess..

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I’d probably choose to…

The movie Inception has been creating all these hyped up discussions and theories, which is good, really. I mean, the film in itself is simply a masterpiece. And I dont mean to add on to the massive conversation with my thoughts, which are insignificant to most and not as deeply thought-provoking as many discussions are. But they are personal to me, and I’ve been kept thinking alot, alot. (A true sign of a successful moves, congrats to the filmmakers)

A thought came through my mind after watching the film. If I was Cobb in Inception, would I choose to stay in the dream, or wake up to reality. The first answer to come to mind would be to stay in the dream. I dont know, maybe I’m so scared of reality, the hurt and pain that comes with it. A package deal, or so to speak. You live in the real world, you’ll have some sh*t coming your way. But in the dream, it’s different. Oh, it is different. You get to live in a perfect world, with the people you love. It’s a fantasy, a beautiful fantasy. The most important being able to live with the person you treasure so much, even though all are built upon a stack of lies, of deceit, in a world of nothingness. Dont that beat coming back and living a life of hell all over again?

But maybe thats a cowardly thing to do. A selfish act. An act of denial. Of stupidity? Oh, I dont know, I really dont. Maybe I’m not close to getting my answers yet. Not just yet. I have no answers, just a temptation and an urge to live in that dream forever. Cause sometimes, you feel so much happier living in a dream than coming back to reality. Really. I’ve felt happiness in my dreams I’ve never felt in this world before. And the feeling was amazing, maybe something I can trade the world for. I was so happy I felt I could fly. But no, I swear, I’ve never been this happy, ever. Only in my dreams. True, pure, perfect gladness.

So maybe thats why it’s easier living in dreams.

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Best Times in life

Sometimes, the best times in life is when you dont give a damn about what you’re doing and just enjoy.

You’ll probably end up regretting it at the end of the day, abut at least you’ve had a day worth of fun, better than none, right?

People like me just need this kind of fun. Life could have been a hell lot more boring. I know I regret it, hell, I know nothing good will come out of it (like and good ever happened). But i did it. Regrets, yes. But damn, if you’d ignore all other days of regret, that one day of fun was all worth it.

Damn all the bullsh*t. Life’s short- I dont want to make it any shorter than it is, but I want to make full use of every damn second. Just enjoy.